In The Garden

All I can hear is sweet hymns and the sound of his last breath over and over. I was sitting just across from my sister and she was holding his hand. We looked at each other and we just knew.

It is never easy saying goodbye, even knowing that it's coming. Last night, I had a hard time sleeping. I was so nervous and my mind was scattered. I tried to complete homework assignments and it just wasn't happening. I think I somehow knew today would be the day and I was just scared of going to sleep.

We spent the majority of the day down at my grandparents' house just sitting with my Poppa, holding his hand, and telling him that everything was okay... it's okay to let go. My sister and I helped my Aunt Pat bathe him and change his shirt. Then my sister washed his hair gently with a washcloth. It was then that we decided he needed a little more. So my sister trimmed his hair around his ears and also his eyebrows. I shaved him. My aunt joked that he was just waiting on us to get him looking good so he didn't look so scruffy when he met the Pearly Gates. I'm so glad that we took the time to do that. It meant that she and I got to spend some quality time with our grandfather before it was too late.

My heart has broken and now it's time to work towards mending it. I know it will take some time before we can all find our strength again. But I know that we can do it. We are a great family with wonderful support and love for each other. We will bond through this and because of this. I love my family and I'm so proud to have them beside me. And during the healing process, I know I will hear a lot of great hymns that bring me back to home...

Precious Memories

A few days ago, I sat down at the kitchen table at my grandparents' house and looked through old photos with my mom. We talked and laughed about the good ole days and we picked out photos to make copies of later. The whole time we sat there, we listened to relaxing hymns floating in from my grandfather's bedside.

I do not consider myself a very religious person, though I struggle with my Faith a lot. I don't know what I believe and I'm not sure I'm ready to go searching for it. It's easier to just listen and soak in the feeling that gospel leaves in your soul.

There are so many ways to cope with losing a loved one, but there's no clear right or wrong answer to that. How do you watch someone you love die? How can you sit by and do nothing while they slip away? Nothing makes it easier. Nothing takes the pain away. It is heartbreaking to watch my grandfather change so much every day. He finds comfort, though, in those simple hymns and I'm okay with that. Being full of Faith or not, I welcome whatever brings him peace and helps me find solace.

  

Precious memories... how they linger...

I am thankful... day 24

November 24: I am thankful for amazing, wonderful, loving, caring beautiful parents. I know that I am blessed beyond words and it's because of them.

 

I love that I come from an amazing family. I love that my parents are good people and they would give you the very shirt off of their back at any time. Watching them throughout my life has shown me the value of truly loving others. They have shown me responsibility and how to behave. They've shown me how to stand up for what's right and what I believe in. They've taught me that I can be whatever I want to be, BE whoever I want to be. And they've taught me how to love unconditionally by their example. 

I couldn't ask for better parents that what I have now because there isn't anyone out there that could begin to compare to my dad and mom. They have made me who I am by letting me be who I am. And that means so much more to me than I could ever explain in words. I love my parents with my whole heart and I'm so thankful that I can call them dad and mom... any time, any day, anywhere. I know I can always come home.

I am thankful... day 23

November 23: I am thankful for the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for...

Starting with my sister...

 

My sister and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but that doesn't mean she isn't one of the closest people to me now.  Having her friendship means the world to me and she's really something special. She is and will always be my forever friend. 

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My brother is pretty great, too. 

 

From the beginning, he has been my rock. I wish he weren't 2 hours away, but I'm doing my best to get past that part. LOL. I know that I can talk to him no matter what. Sure, I say things he doesn't like to hear and I state my opinion more than I should probably. But he takes me for who I am and I love him so much. 

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The next person on my closest and bestest list would be my cousin, Crystal. 

She has a free spirit that is admiring and a bit inspiring. I know that we would be totally inseparable if we had grown up together. There's just some kind of magic in our friendship. We may get on each other's nerves from time to time, but we accept each other... all faults and flaws... and we love each other because of them. She is the jelly to my peanut butter, the Kool-Aid to my sugar, the cheese to my double-cheeseburger (at 2am while listening to Guitar Town of course). Our friendship amazes me every day.

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It took me years to find her, but I did. 

I never thought I would be able to just pick up where we left off and be the best of friends again... but we did. I absolutely LOVE my girl, Mary Jo. For five years I lost her. I was lucky when I clicked on her Facebook page. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out. She's an incredible friend and I know that no matter what, she's got my back. 

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I've reconnected with my good friend, Beth, recently too. It is so nice to be able to chat about life with her. We know we can depend on each other for anything. And that kind of friendship is a beautiful thing. 

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Another extremely important person in my life is my sweetheart, Casey Strode. This girl means more to me than she will ever know. I love the stories we've shared and the memories we've made together. She knows that nothing she can do will make me think differently of her and she knows that when times get tough, I'm still there. It makes me smile knowing how happy she is... I just love her so much. 

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I have to mention a new old friend that I've made in the past year or two... My free spirit friend Cameron. I never knew her, truly knew her, while she was living here in Kentucky. And since she and her family moved to Southern Georgia, I'm learning so much about her. She is such a beautiful, delightful person and her gypsy soul shines through. She inspired me to start my blog and she's helped me so much along the way. And not just with this blog, but with life in general. She looks out for me, even being so far away. She lives. She really lives her life and she's happy. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone quite like her and I think she's really great. 

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I know I have a million other really good friends that haven't been mentioned and that doesn't mean I love you any less. I value my friends so much and feel like they are a part of my family, some are my family. But I know that if we weren't actually related and we could pick our family, I would always choose them. I can only hope that all of my friends know their value and know where they stand with me. My life is good because of them. And I am so thankful for every one of them.

I am thankful... day 22

November 22: I am thankful for my nephew, the sunshine in my soul and the laughter that fills me. My cup runneth over...

I grew up not really sure if I ever wanted children. I didn't know if I could have the patience to be around a child all the time without becoming super annoyed. I had my doubts. I think everyone did.

Then one day, I was blessed beyond words... my nephew was born. Such a beautiful child, how could he mean so much to me? But he does. Even on days when he isn't listening and I would like to strangle him I love him. He makes me laugh; he makes my heart sing.

He's crazy and fun and creative and so smart. His laughter melts away any signs of a bad day I've been having. I love his hugs and sugars. And when I'm heading to work in the morning, I love to see that little hand reach out the window to wave goodbye to me and sign "I love you".

~photo credit~

(I don't have a photo of my nephew doing this, but you can bet I'm going to get one ASAP!)

He just amazes me... every day. And I'm thankful that he's a part of my life and that I get to love him every day. He is my sweetheart, and I am his Buzzy.

I am thankful... day 21

November 21: I am thankful for wonderful grandparents and the good values they taught my dad and mom that they passed down to us.

My dad's parents passed away when I was little. I don't remember them very much, but I know they were good people because my dad is a great person. And I know that's because they raised him well.

The only grandparents I have left are my mom's parents... and they're slipping away a little more every day. I am so thankful for every day we get to spend together.

My grandfather's cancer is getting worse every day. Today he was taken to the Hospice Center in town because he's becoming so much more aggressive and aggravated. Even my Aunt Pat had trouble with him last night and this morning... and she's a strong woman!! And even though I see him every day and see changes in him every day, I still see the Poppa I grew up with. I will always see him that way.

My grandmother is just an angel. She is so amazing and I know where my mom gets it. I can only HOPE to be half the woman they are.

I love them so much and I am so thankful to be their granddaughter.

I am thankful... day 20

November 20: I am thankful that I have a wonderful group of people that I call my family. I could not ask for better... there isn't anything better than them.

Whether we're getting together for an evening at Starbucks with coffee and cocoa or we're gathering at church with our grandmother on a random Saturday in November... we know how to do it right. We are bonded so tightly together, it's like we're a knit sweater warming each others' hearts and souls.

I haven't seen a family quite like ours. We really are one of those "one-of-a-kind" types... you know... pretty much unbelievable! They amaze me every day how much love is shared and I'm so thankful they share that love with me.

I am thankful... day 19

November 19: I am thankful for time. I am cherishing every moment I get to spend with my family, especially my grandparents.

Tonight was my grandmother's 83rd birthday. We shared dinner, laughter, and really good memories with each other. Mom baked a delicious ham and then a cake with homemade caramel frosting. It was so good. You really don't get anything better than that!

(Mammaw blowing out her candles and patiently waiting for someone to cut into her cake)

(Several of us sat down with a couple of coloring books and a box of crayons for some therapy... color therapy)

After dinner and the cake, my sister and I pampered my grandmother with a manicure and a pedicure, complete with massage (AWESOME idea mom!!!). I packed up a ton of things and my sister put together a mobile spa in the hallway of her home. She had arranged all the foot and hand care items on the table beside her chair and even lit a soothing eucalyptus spearmint candle. I played some relaxing melodies on my phone to "set the mood". It wasn't quite the spa we're used to when we're going all out, but it was great that we could bring it home to her. I think my grandmother really enjoyed her 2 hour pampering session. She deserved every minute spent relaxing.

Everyone else watched football and played cards while she enjoyed her special treatment... and the ladies of the family were lining up waiting for their turn. LOL.

It's times like this that make me realize how truly special our family is. They're amazing, beautiful, loving people who enjoy being together. I wish everyone could have made it, but it's just not possible.

But I'm thankful that we had each other and we will always have the memory of tonight.

I am thankful... day 18

November 18: I am thankful for my work family. They are all so supportive and they're there when I need them. They understand that family is important and we have to do what we have to do when we have to do it. It's tough... but I appreciate all they do for me.

Anytime something is going on, they are quick to help out and they're even quicker to understand and support me. I couldn't ask for anything more. I have an amazing job where I get to spend time with my extended "family". And I think they're really great people.

I am thankful... day 17

November 17: I am thankful for voice recordings of Poppa. He might ask the same questions over and over and they might be slightly annoying now. But I know there will be a day that I wish I could hear him again.

Right now, my grandfather gets anxious and sometimes aggravated. He rambles on all day long if he isn't medicated. Last night he wouldn't stop talking about the catheter that was put in. Today, he was talking about fishing and what were we going to do with the fish. We just answer his questions and try to get him to calm down and just rest. I never think of it as a burden to talk to him, though it can be annoying answering the same questions constantly. But when the time comes that he can no longer talk to me, I will be so thankful that I got out my phone and recorded him talking. 

I am thankful... day 16

November 16: I am thankful for momma's home cooking. There's no place like home.

I don't care if you LOVE eating out. I don't care if you could live off of pizza and Chinese takeout. I don't care if you never have time to cook your own dinner. There's nothing better than when momma cooks. Simple, home cooked meals bring the family together. It warms the heart and fills the soul with love.

Lately, we've spent a lot of time, and money, eating out. It's quick and easy. But that just makes eating at home that much better. Dinner tonight consisted of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, lima beans, biscuits, and sweet tea. Delicious! I love having dinner at home.

I am thankful... day 15

November 15: I am thankful for endless, ever-flowing, beautiful, sweet music.

Music answers all my questions. It's always there for me when I need it. Music makes me laugh. It makes me cry. It gives me clarity. It gives me hope.

There is nothing better than losing yourself in the music.

I am thankful... day 14

November 14: I am thankful for my budget, without it I would be extremely poor.

Several years back, I was in a very bad state financially. I had just gone through a divorce and you know where that leads you... broke. I worked, I played, I spent. I didn't really have much to say for myself back then except I was having a good time and living without responsibilities. But I dug myself into some pretty major holes that I'm still trying to climb out of.

A really good friend of mine gave me a copy of an excel budget she had made for herself to work on her own personal finances. It's taken a long time, but I'm feeling better about my finances. I live and breathe that budget. Every January, I work on my budget for the entire year. I'm not even kidding. I know exactly how much money I get paid every month... how much I'm spending on bills... and how much I have to waste. It's nice to know what I can throw away every month without consequences. And the freedom of knowing that bills are getting paid is very nice.

Yeah, I know there was a time when responsibility didn't matter to me very much. But it does now and I take great pride in knowing that I'm ahead of the game. So for that reason alone, I am so thankful I have my budget.  (Thanks Beth!)

I am thankful... day 13

November 13: I am thankful for journals, diaries, and blogs. Without them, I might be a lost soul.

I spend a lot of time thinking. I spend some time writing about what I'm thinking. It's never enough time though.

I know that I am a much calmer, more rational person when I'm not super moody or overwhelmed by life. To combat those emotional days and crazy nights, I write. I'm no author but it sure does help to lighten up my mood. Tonight, I needed it.

I'm going to start writing more. I haven't done nearly enough this year and I know that I need to get on it. Right now, I'm dealing with a lot of things that should not be kept bottled up. I do that and then it ends up bursting like a water balloon on all those around me. It's not fair to anyone when that happens and I know I need to work on that.

But for now... I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to write about it, so that's what I'm going to do.

I am thankful... day 12

November 12: I am thankful that some people still believe in romance... in love. It gives me some hope that maybe it will happen for me again.

At times, I feel like it's never going to happen for me again. Sometimes I feel dead inside and I often think I had my chance and now it's gone.

But there are some people who take chances and risk everything to find love and happiness. There are some people that live long lives with the ones they truly love deep inside, like my parents and my grandparents. There are some people that hope that love finds them. And there are some who go searching every day for it.

I am thankful for those people in my life that still believe in love and romance. If it were not for those people, I'm pretty sure I would totally give up on it.

I am thankful... day 11

November 11: I am thankful for freedom... to live the way I want, to say the things I want to say, and to stand up for what I believe in.

There is nothing better than freedom, except maybe love and family. It means so much to be able to live so freely and so open.

Today is Veterans' Day. It's a day to celebrate those people who put their lives on the line for our freedom every day. It's a day to show our support and be thankful for the people who go off to war and never come home. Today is a day to celebrate freedom. And for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful... day 10

November 10: I am thankful for long, hot baths... with candles. I really needed it tonight. And like always... it delivered!

Sometimes your body just needs to relax; sometimes you just need a break. I think my entire family needs a break. I wish I could give them all the experience I just had. It never disappointments me to take a long bath. This time, I used the Bath and Body Works Twisted Peppermint candle. Sometimes, though, I use the Bath and Body Works Eucalyptus Mint candle. Those scents are so soothing. It's like the just envelope you in warmth and take all your cares away. It's so much better than Calgon. Haha!

I'm so ready for bed now... and I'm headed there right away.

I am thankful... day 9

November 9: I am thankful that I can help. It might not be a big deal to stop by the grocery store and pick up a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread for your grandparents... and it might not be a big deal to try to help your sister make some posters (even though I didn't do that many)... but I am thankful that I can help in some way.

It's good to feel needed. I wish I had stayed up later and helped my sister with the rest of the posters, but I was getting grumpy. And that's just not what she needed to get the posters made. She did good on them, though.

It is never a burden to help others, especially those people you love. I get huffy sometimes when I'm tired and I'm still working on something, whether it's for myself or someone else. But after the fact, I feel bad for not doing more. I'm just thankful that they know they can depend on me to help. 

I am thankful... day 8

November 8: I am thankful for prayers. It is hard to keep asking for prayers. I feel like that's all I've done this year, but they have been so greatly appreciated. Some prayers are answered, some we're still waiting on. But all of them have been important, and I am so thankful for the power of prayer.

I've never been really religious, so asking for prayers is a big deal for me. I know that miracles can happen to anyone at anytime. It can't hurt to send a prayer up, right?

My grandfather isn't getting any better, and he's not going to. I'm just hopeful that he will go peacefully and without pain when it is his time.

I am thankful... day 7

November 7: I am thankful for peppermint hot chocolate. It winds me down from a long stressful day and eases my mind from the  many thoughts that are swirling around in there.

While sitting in the ICU waiting room at the hospital tonight, my uncle said to me "Are you okay? You look tired." Well we all know that's just another way of saying you look like crap. But you know what? I feel like crap too. There is just too much going on right not to NOT look like crap.

Like so many other family members, I am exhausted... mentally, emotionally, physically. It seems like I cannot get enough sleep. I cannot get enough done. And I cannot relax my mind.

I realized tonight that peppermint hot chocolate just might be the answer for me. It was just enough to relax me completely and I see sleep in my near future. So I am thankful that we stopped at McDonald's tonight to get that hot chocolate. I think it's doing the trick.

I am thankful... day 6

November 6: I am thankful that I have started on next week's homework already so that maybe I will not have to stress so much about getting it done. Now... there are only 5 million other things I have to get done by next weekend's deadline instead of 6 million. :)

I feel like I have done nothing else the past three or four weeks except homework. I stay up late every night writing a paper, answering questions, or doing research online. I am just exhausted. For a while, I worked ahead on homework that was due in both classes. I was able to sit out for about three weeks and not do much homework at all. But it's gone and bit me in the butt because I've done nothing BUT homework the past few weeks. I give up! I am so over this! Haha!

I decided to start on next week's assignments so that I can breathe a little easier in the next few days. I'm not used to stressing over anything, so it's starting to take its toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. If I can get ahead and stay ahead, maybe this stress will go away for good!

I am thankful... day 5

November 5: I am thankful for late nights sitting up by the fireplace enjoying the company of friends.

Just like the rest of my family, I am emotionally exhausted from the news of this past week. On top of that, I've been stressed to the max from homework assignments that seem never ending. I needed a break from everything. I just needed to have a drink and enjoy nothing at all. I am thankful for being able to relax and do nothing, think about nothing, care about nothing... if only for an hour or two.

I am thankful... day 4

November 4: I am thankful for humor in my life, even when there is nothing to laugh about. There's always a place and time for joking, but humor in the right sense is always welcome.

My grandfather is no dummy. He knows something is wrong with him. The good thing is that he isn't in any pain right now... and he is still my grandfather. He's cutting up and saying things that make you laugh. Knowing we can smile and still have a laugh together makes this difficult time so much better. I needed the humor in this situation, because I get tired of crying about what the future holds. Humor is what we need right now to deal with today... to live in his life today.

I am thankful... day 3

November 3:I am thankful for doctors that truly listen and treat their patients. Without doctors like Dr. Zhu, we may have never known about the cancer.

We though he was getting Alzheimer's Disease. We thought something had gone terribly wrong with his new medication. We worried about him losing his memory. But we were wrong.

Dr. Zhu listened to my grandfather's symptoms... truly listened. He ordered tests and scans, and before they could leave the lab he asked to see them. It wasn't Alzheimer's Disease at all. It was severe brain cancer. We learn a little more about his condition every day, but the fact of the matter is this... we never would have known had it not been for Dr. Zhu. And for that... I am so thankful.

I am thankful... day 2

November 2: I am thankful that the weather has been nice the past few days. However, I know winter is approaching and I welcome it!

I love Autumn! I love the leaves changing colors. I love the piles and piles of them all over the yard. I love pumpkins and the smell of cinnamon in the house. I love wearing jackets and scarves. I love football games and the crisp air.

I know that several states have seen snow already this year and it really excites me! I welcome Jack Frost and his chilly winter winds!

I am thankful... day 1

So I'm going to play a bit of catch up right now... bear with me.

November 1: I am thankful to wake up every morning.

There have been times that I have fallen into an extreme depression and, I'm sad to say, that I thought it might not be worth living this life of mine. I cannot say that I've outgrown all of that depression, but life has gotten so much better. I realized life is good, every day. Yeah, sure there are days when I just want to bury my head in a pillow and not get out of bed. But then, a sweet little boy runs up the stairs to give me a hug and a sugar and tell me he loves me. And I know in my heart it's worth it to wake up every morning just to hear that.

So yes... I am thankful to wake up every morning and get to live my life with the ones that I love so much... that love me back.