A Year Goes By...

I wanted to write yesterday but I couldn't find the words. I wanted to sing yesterday but I couldn't hear the music. I wanted to dance yesterday but I couldn't wear the shoes.

So much goes on in a year. People move. Babies are born. Holidays memories are made. Vacations here and there. Through all of this, we grow and we heal from past hurts. Yesterday, I was hurting... even though I had healed a great deal in the past year, I was still hurting.

It's been a year since my grandfather passed away. A whole year. It seems like it was just yesterday that my sister, nephew, and I were driving home from her work conference. It seems like it was just yesterday that my mom went to the neurologist with my grandparents to get the diagnosis of Alzheimer's Disease. But that isn't the diagnosis they got. What started out as a pretty good day, turned extremely sad and scary at the same time. That was November 3.

The doctors kept saying they were sorry. There wasn't much they could do. You'll have him for Thanksgiving, but never by Christmas. That's what they kept saying. And they were right. We celebrated my grandmother's birthday on the 19th, and then Thanksgiving on the 24th. We spent every day with my grandfather... at least for a little while. We listened to him. We sat with him. We watched him sleep.

The day he passed was a Sunday and we were there with him. My sister and I helped our Aunt Pat give him a bath that morning. He just didn't look like himself. Aunt Pat kept saying he wouldn't want to be there like that. So we helped with his bath and then Larea cut his hair and I shaved him. By the time we were finished this morning, he looked like my Poppa again.

I still see his face and hear his breathing. I remember that last breath like it were my own. The release of life is so sweet and yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I knew the moment he passed. I knew the exact moment he was gone. My sister did... and my father did, too. We all felt it inside of us. It was like a weight lifting off of us because we knew he was home.

Not one day goes by that my thoughts do not drift to him. I'm healing though. Slowly... I am healing. Another year will go by before I know it and I will be faced with the same sadness that I am facing now. But it will get better. They say "This too shall pass." I believe that. The pain and the hurt will pass, but the love and the memories will last forever.

Day 22: I Am Thankful For...

November 22: I am thankful for my dad and my mom.

 

(Have you ever seen a more handsome man? Or a woman more beautiful than her? 

I haven't... but my sister comes pretty close)

I see so much of my parents in me. I see little bits of their humor and I see some of their strengths and weaknesses. I see my mother's eyes and my father's hair. I have a little bit of my mom's personality, but I have a lot of my dad's attitude. I walk just like my daddy, especially when I'm in a hurry. I have my momma's habit of biting our nails. There are so many little things that I get from my parents that make me who I am. And I am so thankful for those little things.

Even more than the bits of them that are in me, I am thankful to have them as parents. My mom and dad are such amazing people. I have never known anyone else to have a heart like they do. They give so much... more than they should really. And they love so much... with all their hearts. I don't know how they did it, raising three children in their early twenties. Hell, I sometimes shy away from the idea of raising a kid now and I'm 33.

I could go on forever talking about how special my daddy made me feel at marching band competitions when he'd yell "Go Buzzy!" before our show opened. Or "That's my girl!!" when I'd actually win the trophy. I could ramble on for hours talking about how warm my momma makes my heart feel just by being there for me. How my eyes tear up every time I hear the song "I'll Be" by Reba McIntire or "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift. For some reason, those songs make me feel my momma's love so much more, whatever time of day I listen to them. I could go on and on talking about how they were both there for me in my darkest days... how they held my hand and helped me out of so many holes I had dug myself into. I could talk about how much they mean to me for a lifetime. They truly are the most wonderful people I know... and I love so much that I call them Daddy and Momma.

Day 21: I Am Thankful For...

November 21: I am thankful for my nephew.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't smile, laugh, and feel true happiness. I'm not saying that my life is only happy because of this little dude, but he sure does make the sun shine a little brighter. 

Years ago, before Nolan came along, I wasn't so sure that I was kid-friendly at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure my entire family was thinking I wouldn't have much to do with this kid. If you knew me back then, you'd probably say they were right. I was not good with kids. I don't think any kid really liked me either. LOL. Then comes along this little boy... and he stole my heart completely. 

I'm so thankful for every moment I get to spend with him. I'm even thankful for the fits he throws from time-to-time because that means that I have him in my life. And that makes my life so special. I love him so much, and I'm pretty sure he's fond of me, too. :)

Day 20: I Am Thankful For...

November 20: I am thankful for my sister.

 

I love this picture so much. In this one photograph, you can see the laughter and the friendship we share. Sometimes I take for granted what she means to me. Growing up, we weren't very close. In fact, there were times when I didn't like her much at all. These days, I don't know what I would ever do without her. People say that the bond between sisters is so much more than a friendship and I believe that now. She and I can complete each others' sentences. We have the same thoughts, at the same time. Some people think we are twins. Though we are not, we still have those moments that make no sense... but make perfect sense. I love my sister more than words could ever say. She makes me smile... she makes me laugh... and she makes me proud to be her friend. She's so great! 

I love you, Rea. You're such an amazing woman, mother, and friend. 

Day 19: I Am Thankful For...

November 19: I am thankful for my brother.

 

There are so many days when he gets on my last nerve... but I am so thankful to have him in my life. 

Growing up, we were the best of friends. I talked to him about everything. We were so close. As time has passed us, we have grown apart a little. I miss that closeness we used to have. We don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things... and that's okay. We just have to agree to disagree. I have to say, though, that close or not he is still one of the most important people in my life. And I love him so much. 

Day 18: I Am Thankful For...

November 18: I am thankful for my grandmother.

 

I have one living grandparent left. This time last year, I was thankful for every breath my grandfather took because I knew that meant he was still with me. He was still with us. After Thanksgiving last year, my grandfather passed away.  It was a Sunday afternoon and my family had spent the whole day there with him. We tried to spend a little time every day with him. I guess losing him last year made me realize just how much family means to me. I mean... I already knew my family was amazing and I knew we were unlike most families these days. But it had been so long since we had had a loss so great. Losing the patriarch of my mother's family was hard. It's still hard. But I'm thankful for those days with him. 

I look at my grandmother and wonder how she gets through the days without my grandfather. She's so strong and she's so beautiful inside and out. I know there are days, moments when she is lonely and I know my grandfather has to be on her mind every day. 

I think I got a lot of my strength from her. Well... from my mother first... but ultimately from her. She's very wise and she's witty. I love her more than she knows and I have so much respect for her. And tomorrow is her birthday. So I'm wishing her another wonderful birthday with all my heart. Today, I'm just so thankful to have her in my life.

Day 17: I Am Thankful For...

November 17: I am thankful for wonderful friends.

I don't care what anyone says, everyone needs a friend... and mine are awesome!

I am so excited that I got to travel a lot this year with some really great friends. I made a lot of memories and share a lot of laughs. But there are some friends that I didn't get to travel with... and that's okay. They're still amazing people.

Crystal... my soul mate. You are the rainbow in my cloudy sky. You are the butter on my popcorn. You are the adult in my beverage. ;) Without you in my life, I am not sure where I would be. I know that things would be a lot different... I wouldn't really know me.

Beth... I'm so happy you are back in my life. Life has handed us a ton of ups and downs. But you know, through it all we have gotten stronger. Our friendship has become stronger. And I'm so happy to have your friendship.

Casey!!!!!!! Where are you? I have not seen you in forever. Doesn't matter though, you know how we work. You have been a great person in my life and you always will be. I'm coming to see you soon, little momma. I know you can't get out of the house much so I must come to you. :)

* Must Get Photo Soon! *

Jennifer... What a trip we had to Vegas this year?! Thank you for thinking of me when you guys decided to go. I think we had a wonderful time and I know my life will be forever changed because of it. :)

Cameron... Our friendship continues to bloom. I have so much respect for you. More than you know. I cannot wait to get together and have a warm cup of life with you.

* Must Get Photo Soon! *

Aqua... Where have the days gone? It seems like only yesterday we were hanging out together on the band bus. I heart you. You're such a beautiful person inside and out.

* Must Get Photo Soon! *

Ashley, Kelly H, and Peggy... I never knew I could meet wonderful ladies through my work and develop a lasting friendship with them. Working with you three at Green River Fire School made me realize what wonderful ladies I work with. I'm happy I got roped into working that and I look forward to many more days spent with you three. I love you all! You're amazing women!

* Must Get Photo Soon! *

Robin M... I've already talked about you... but I'm thankful for our friendship. :)

Yankee... Meeting you has changed my life in many ways. NO. I am still NOT a Yankees fan. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that in my life. But you know what you mean to me. I know you know.

* Must Get Photo Soon! *

Libbi... I love our story. I love that we met through a mutual friend and have developed a friendship connection that means the world to me. I adore you. I'm so glad that I've gotten to see you TWICE this year!! I feel like such a lucky lady! I can't wait to visit you again.

Which brings me to Mary Jo... Your name may be at the end of this, but that has nothing to do with our friendship. I think I waited until the end for you because I have so much love for you that I cannot even begin to write the words. We have something special... I know you know what I mean. When I met you 12+ years ago, I knew we would be have forever together. Our friendship still amazes me. I wish I had the words... You are such an amazing woman, mother, wife, and friend. You mean the world to me.

To all my friends that I have not mentioned, you mean the world to me. I love you all!

Dad, Mom, Larea and Jeremy... your days are coming. I have special words for all of you.

Day 16: I Am Thankful For...

November 16: I am thankful for my career and the people that make it so special.

I'm getting into my "most thankful" week and I have to say that one of the things I am most thankful for is my work and the people I get to share that with.

Starting with my boss... John is more than I could have ever asked for in a supervisor. I have never laughed so much or enjoyed my job (any of my jobs) more than I do now. It's true... I used to think about taking off work all the time. Lord knows I love to travel. But working with John, I've found a good working relationship where I can be myself, as crazy as I am. He respects me and the person that I am, and I hope I show him the respect he deserves.

I have to say thanks to my instructors. If you guys are reading this... I think you're all amazing. I think we all have an understanding of how things should work... and we make it happen. We've added a few new people within the past year, and they've all fallen in just nicely. I can honestly say that I enjoy every one of you.

My student workers...
Charles, thank you so much for all you do with our IT stuff. Those envelopes drive me crazy every month and you worked real hard to help me fix that. And that website... you've created a wonderful website where we can showcase our area and the training we provide.

To my dear friend, Robin... Well, we've had busy days and not-so-busy days. You cook up a mean lunch and you always have a fund raiser going on. I enjoy your company every day and I'm so glad we have developed more of a friendship than just that of boss/worker. I hope that you know how much trust and faith I have in you. You're a wonderful person... don't let anybody tell you any different.

For all of my co-workers, you have made SFRT Area 4 more than just an office providing training. You have made us a family and I'm so happy to be a part of it.

So with that being said... I'm so thankful for the work family that I have and a wonderful job to go to every day.

Day 15: I Am Thankful For...

November 15: I am thankful that I have a place to call home.

I take it for granted. There. I said it. I'm proud of my home. I'm so happy I have one to go to when it's too cold, when it's too hot... There's nothing like home. I moved away when I got married and came back when I got divorced. I moved out with my sister. And then I moved back. I moved across town for a boy... then moved back. I moved out with my sister again... then I moved back. It's a back and forth kinda thing, but it works for me. They always say you can always go back home, and they're right. There's no place like home.

Day 14: I Am Thankful For...

November 14: I am thankful that I keep a diary.

At 33 years old, yes I still keep a diary. It might not be every day, but I do write every time I need to. I have a blog, too. But it isn't the same as keeping a diary. My diary is something so private, so personal to me. I can write every thought I ever have in it. I can be myself. I can be truly honest about my feelings without worrying about whether or not I hurt someone's feelings. Because my diary is for me.

Day 13: I Am Thankful For...

November 13: I am thankful for DVR.

I don't know how people sit down and watch television as it happens. I have to record all my shows and watch them later. When my brother moved home months ago, he would make fun of me because my television was always paused. I would get into a show then have to go do something else. So I just paused it constantly. LOL. I would never get to watch anything if it weren't for DVR.

Day 12: I Am Thankful For...

November 12: I am thankful for my past.

My life has been far from perfect. I have done things I know I shouldn't have done. I have said words that should never have been said. I cannot say whether or not I have regrets. I mean, I guess I do. But then I don't. The things that I have done, the experiences I have had make me who I am today. And no matter what happened in the past, I am proud of the woman I am today. And for that reason alone, I am thankful.

Day 11: I Am Thankful For...

November 11: I am thankful for freedom and the veterans that made it possible.

There's not a lot to say about this, I think it speaks for itself. But I will say that I have several friends who are veterans and I am so thankful for what they do, and what they have done, to keep my country free.

Day 10: I Am Thankful For...

November 10: I am thankful for weekends without plans.

I work all week long and by mid afternoon Friday, I am ready to check out. Sure, it's great to have something to do, places to go, people to see. But there is something so wonderful about a weekend when you have no set plans at all. I love it! I made dinner Friday night because mom wasn't feeling great... Attended the Veterans Day Parade downtown Bowling Green on Saturday morning, then spent the afternoon doing some much needed cleaning. By early evening, I had decided I deserved a little drink or two. So an impromptu visit to my local watering hole was just what I needed. I had a great time hanging with my friends there... except for those shoes. LOL. Today was spent sleeping in, then running some errands in town before returning home to clean a little more.

The best part of the whole weekend was how spontaneous it all was. Nothing planned. No destinations to be at... no people to entertain. Just me. And that was awesome! I love weekends like this... and I am so thankful to have these weekends every now and then because it helps me to refuel for what's to come next.

Day 9: I Am Thankful For...

November 9: I am thankful for humor.

I love to laugh, I really do. I love being around funny people because they make me feel so good.

Without laughter, life would be so glum. When I'm thinking about my friends, or even thinking about what I would want in a guy... I always factor in humor. Genuine laughter feels so good. I smile all the time and I laugh all the time because I fill my life with humor. I may laugh at you, but remember I always laugh at myself first. Humor makes the world go round and I love it!

Day 8: I Am Thankful For...

November 8: I am thankful for the holiday season.

Every year, I sink down into a depression that seems to never end. Eventually it does. But I know you know what I'm talking about. The weather is cold and the days are gloomy... and all you want to do is stay in bed all day wrapped in the warmth of a big comfy blanket. It's the time of year when you want to eat comfort food and just be lazy. It's times like these that make me so happy to know that the holidays are within reach. I love spending time with my family and friends. I love all the baking and decorating. The holiday music and the Hallmark movies are so romantic. They make you feel so warm and fuzzy. It just makes you feel so good. And when you're a seasonally depressed person, you need a little "pick-me-up." I love the holidays and everything that comes along with it. I cannot wait to roam the halls of the local mall with all the angry shoppers pushing their way towards the registers. It cracks me up really (Of course I say that now... might be feeling differently about it in another month. Haha).

There is just something so magical about this time of year. I am thankful for the good mood it puts me in when I need it most.

Day 7: I Am Thankful For...

November 7: I am thankful for knowing what it means to have and give respect.

My parents taught me to respect my elders, respect our leaders, and respect myself. Because I give respect, I am shown respect... and that feels pretty good.

Day 6: I Am Thankful For...

November 6: I am thankful that I have a voice in this campaign.

I have done my duty as an American citizens and exercised my right to vote. I didn't want to go with everyone else who has been saying all day that they are thankful for their right to vote, but I must say it is very important to me.

The race is tight and tempers are flaring amongst people across the nation. But the fact is this, if you don't get out there and rock your vote your voice will not be heard. Whether or not my candidate wins the election tonight, I voted. I cast my vote and I've done my part as an American citizen. I'm thankful that I can do that.

Day 5: I Am Thankful For...

November 5: I am thankful for dreams.

Dreams are all we have. Our dreams, our hopes, our wishes. When we are young, we dream about our wedding day, we dream about our careers, we dream about having a family. As adults, we dream about the same things. Our dreams grow with us. They help us mature and they are present in our experiences.

Not only am I thankful for those kinds of dreams, but I am also thankful for the dreams I have at night. When I lay my head on my pillow and close my eyes, I don't know what adventures will be waiting for me. Sometimes I remember them, mostly I don't. But having those dreams reminds me that there is so much more to life than what we see with our eyes.

I am thankful that I have those dreams to reflect upon.

Day 4: I Am Thankful For...

November 4: I am thankful for the ability to speak my mind.

My friends and family all know me well enough. They know that when I have a strong opinion about something, I'm going to say it. I'm going to voice my concerns and I'm going to shout loud enough for everyone to hear it. I am thankful that I have that ability. Sometimes I'm quiet and I keep things hidden inside. And there are other times when I feel like I just need to get it out. I'm loud. I'm obnoxious at times most of the time. That's just a part of who I am. I know I've gotten my mouth smacked a few times for speaking my mind, but I'm proud of that part of me. I stand up for what I believe in. My parents taught me that. They taught me to speak my mind.

Day 3: I Am Thankful For...

November 3: I am thankful for memories.

One year ago today, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer that would take his life by the end of the month. Five years ago in September, the most amazing little person entered my life and changed my views forever. Two months ago, I spent a few days in Nevada with two of the most amazing women I know just hanging out, catching up, and remembering why we loved each other so much in the first place. A year ago in August my sister was cleared of her cancer. And fifteen years ago this past May, I graduated from high school.

There are so many things that go through my mind as I age. Memories are the most wonderful of all those thoughts. Where would I be without them? My experiences have shaped me into the woman I am today. And how would I ever get to where I am without those memories. I am so thankful that I have them, that I have pictures and video clips from different moments in my life. Those pictures tell me a story. They tell my life story. And I am thankful for my memories.

Day 2: I Am Thankful For...

November 2: I am thankful for silence.

There's a moment in time when our hearts beat wildly, our minds are filled with memories, and our bodies feel numb inside. The moment when you lose someone so close to you that you cannot find the words to express how you feel.

There is so much pain in a moment of silence. Losing your thoughts, not being able to find some sort of understanding... Silence can leave us wondering about so many things.

Today, I am thankful for the moments in between the music. I am thankful for the pause that happens between the beats in our lives. Those moments when I can piece together the jagged thoughts in my mind and make the picture whole. Without the silence, I would lose myself completely.

Day 1: I Am Thankful For...

It's the beginning of the month that makes us really think about the things we are most thankful for in our lives. I did it last year, and this year is no different. I know that most of my "thankful for" things/people will be the exact same as last year, but I am thankful anyway. So with that being said.......

November 1, 2012: I am thankful for music.

 

~ photo credit ~

Growing up, I would sing a lot. I talked a lot more, but I would sing. Mom would watch Solid Gold on Saturday nights and we would watch The Monkees on television, singing all their songs. At family hayrides, I would sing "Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes" by George Jones and "Tomorrow" from Annie. I loved it. By the time I was in the sixth grade, I was learning my first instrument, the saxophone (NOT TRUE. I first learned how to play the recorder). Taking lessons and learning from my band director helped me to develop my passion.

I didn't understand it then like I do now. Music is more than just songs. Music is my soul. Every song tells a story. Every song has an understanding.

I take each song as a piece of me, learning more about myself through the lyrics... feeling myself grow through the melodies. My experiences in life could be cataloged through a country album. The voices are so much stronger than what you hear. Music opens my heart to happiness. I feel the pain in a chord, and the pulsing in my veins with every thump of the bass. Music is life. The gateway to our souls. And I am thankful for the music that my life writes every day.

And just in case you're wondering what my favorite song of all time is, I thought I'd leave you with the video...