Three years of joy... happiness... bliss...

Boys are gross. When I found out my sister was having a boy, I'll be the first to admit I was a little bit disappointed. I mean... a boy?! Really?? I just kept thinking "I have no idea what to do with a boy." What do you play with them? How do you dress them? With girls, it's so easy. There are pretty dresses, ruffles, ribbons, and bows. But boys are so blah. They have BOY clothes. And BOY toys. No baby dolls, no Barbie dolls, no Easy Bake Ovens. Hmmm... I was totally at a loss when it came to finding something to do with a boy.

But then he was here.

He showed up on this earth a very fragile little boy at 5 pounds, 13 ounces. He was four weeks pre-mature and it scared us all. He had a lot of trouble in the beginning, but he completely captured our hearts. My heart especially. Okay... let me just be honest here. I have never been "kid-friendly". My sister would tell everyone that I didn't like kids (completely untrue... I think) and that I never wanted kids (again, untrue). To me, I wasn't sure I knew how to handle a kid. I never thought I would be good with kids and I always doubted my ability to nurture. And Lord knows I have never had much patience. So when I found that I was completely wrapped around these premie fingers, I had no idea what I was dealing with. It happened so fast! I mean... in a second that kid owned me! I had a picture of the exact moment I knew this kid had my heart, but somehow I lost it. The photograph was of his little baby hand wrapped around one of my fingers. I would look at that picture and just hope that he would be okay. He meant the world to me.

Over three years later, he still means the world to me. I find that I have had a lot more patience than I ever thought I would. And I worry that I will never love my own children as much as I love him. My mom says I will... and that everything will be fine. She says that it will be a completely different kind of love with my own. But I don't know how that's all possible. I have no idea how I can ever love anyone else as much as I love him.

And I'm not exactly sure what has brought all of this on tonight, except maybe because he is having surgery on Monday. I don't know. I think about him and how much he means to me every single day. His fit throwing, screaming, not listening... it's a normal day for us. And even though it drives us all insane, I wouldn't trade it for a day without him EVER! And yes, I've learned that boys can be a lot of fun. And I've learned that little boys can have cool clothes, too. And I've learned what it's like for someone to make a difference in someone else's life. Because he has had made a difference in mine.

This message is for him...

Nolan, Aunt Buzzy loves you more than life itself. And I will always be you're #2 fan (right behind mommy). Remember that I will always let you have play-doh and lego's. And if you want to put on a tutu and pretend to be Olivia, or pretend to shave your whiskers, or even pretend to put on make-make... I'm okay with that. Because you are wonderful! And I will always be wrapped around your spoiled rotten little fingers! :)

Days Go By

It seems like a lot has happened in the past week. And it has. On Monday of last week, I was 31 years old. I was in a pretty good mood. And I was finishing up the last of my classes for WKU for the Spring semester. By Wednesday afternoon, I'd found out that my brother had taken and passed all but one of his GED tests. His mathematics section will have to be taken next week because he missed it. But everything else he passed and I'm so proud of him.

Wednesday night was also the last night I was 31 years old. I woke up to the sounds of a rooster crowing up the street on the day of my 32nd birthday. I found a sweet "HAPPY BIRTHDAY EYE HEART U" drawn out on a piece of copy paper layed on top of my pillow. So sweet that mother of mine is. The heart she drew was brown (just like mine) and she wrote the words in green (my favorite color). She knows me all too well. Thursday night, I spent the evening with my family (minus one brother) celebrating, yet again, my birthday.

On Friday, I worked another long day at the office. Friday night, I went out with some really great friends to not really celebrate my birthday... but to give us a real reason to meet up and have a little fun. My sister wasn't interested in going... not that I figured she would be. And then I had a friend that said she was coming out but ended up staying home with a sick kid (a phone call or text to let me know would have been nice... just saying). Two really great girls came out to sit with me and listen to some good tunes. My best girl, Crystal, and the girl I haven't seen in years, Samantha. We had a really good time soaking up the evening.

The evening was a really nice time. It was a long time coming, and it lasted a long time. Crystal ended up leaving early. She didn't seem to really be there but had her reasons for coming out anyway. It was nice that she came. After closing up the bar, yet again, I came home to get try to get a few hours of sleep. And a few hours is all that I got.

Saturday morning (super early), we all woke up and headed to Mayfield, KY for Larea's graduation. And I was so proud of her. We stayed at Kentucky Dam Village and had dinner at Patti's. I'd never been there before. And if you haven't, you have got to try it! It's fantastic!

But the weekend has ended. All the fun and happiness has passed. And another week has passed. And here I am... again. Only now I'm 32. Nothing else has changed. Nothing has gotten better. Nothing has gotten worse. I'm just sitting here becoming stale. I'm tired... and I'm tired. And now I'm going to bed. There are a lot of things on my mind right now and yet I don't know how to put them into words. Yes, me... I can't put my thoughts into words. Weird, huh? But I'm sure there's a reason for it other than feeling lost.

Goodnight.

The Best Day

I don't know if you know already, but I have a wonderful mother. She has always been on my side and has always supported me, no matter what. I look at the relationships that some of my friends have with their mothers and I wonder why everyone can't have what we have. It's more important to me than probably any other relationship. And she's more important to me than probably any other person. I love her for everything she is... and especially what she isn't. My mom rocks at being there for me. She calls me her chatterbox and doesn't mind listening to me ramble on... or vent ('cause you know I do that to her a lot). I have the kind of mom a lot of people wish they had. And I'd do anything in the world for her.

Today was the best day, as is every day that I get to spend with my mom. And I've listened to that Taylor Swift song yet again today thinking about her and our relationship. And I'm so thankful to have her as my mom, but mostly as my friend.

Today is a day to celebrate mom. And I hope that I've done just that. Mom... if you're reading this... I think you rock! And I hope you know what you mean to me. I love you! Happy Mother's Day!

PIcky, Picky

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I have been a picky eater for as long as I can remember and I'm not real happy about it. I just saw a commercial for a delicious looking salad. But guess what... I don't eat it! I don't eat anything. Here's a brief list of some things I do not eat:

Asian cuisine (any kind)

Mashed potatoes (unless they're instant)

Most green vegetables

Steak

Seafood

Coconut

Bananas

Blah, blah, blah... Yeah... I don't eat anything. But I realized when I was working in therapy at the Med Ctr that I have issues with food textures and not so much flavor. I had no idea that there was actually another person out there that had the same problems as me. Yeah... she was like 6 years old. But still. There are other people that don't deal well with some food textures.

But because I don't eat anything, I've made it a point to try a new fruit and a new vegetable every year. I also try to get in other foods when I can. This year, I have tried two different kinds of crab legs, seared (but raw) Ahi tuna, pineapple, and black eyed peas. I'm 3 for 5 on this list and the year is still young. I've got a lot of time left this year to keep on trying new things. And I plan on adding to that list.

In the mean time, are there any suggestions on how to get past these texture issues? I would eat a whole lot better if I didn't have issues with the foods I try to eat. It can be frustrating. I would like my taste buds to grow up a little (is that what's in charge of the texture issue??). I'm tired of being so picky...

I like watchin' the puddles gather rain...

I feel this song in me lately. Is it the rain? Hmmm... I honestly don't think so. I just keep seeing that cute little bee buzzing around dancing so freely feeling happiness within herself. What a beautiful song?! What a beautiful girl... and what a beautiful moment.

I feel like her some days. I feel like her today. Free and happy... inside me. I can breathe in the air and smell the rain that gathers in the grass outside my home.

Spring rain smells different from summer rain... and fall and winter rain. There is a fresh smell in it. A smell that says there are new beginnings in the air. Grasp them!

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I know, I know... we have had a ton of rain lately. And yeah, sure we could use a little sun just for morale. But I love the rain. I have no problems walking in the rain, even without an umbrella. And every year on my bucket list, I put dance in the rain. I think it's that important. This picture inspires me in so many ways. I love the feeling it gives me. That same feeling I get listening to No Rain by Blind Melon. Young... fun... happy... free.

It's Not Easy Being...

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It's not easy being a bigger girl. I've never in my life been a really skinny girl. Not even in elementary school can I remember being smaller. I've always had to shop at the higher end of the spectrum of clothing racks at department stores. And alot of times, there isn't a big selection of age appropriate stylish clothing. It's frustrating when you have pretty good fashion sense but you can't really find the clothing to match that.

This topic brings up a lot of things. Let me say, first and foremost, that I'm very much okay with the woman I am. I am fine with my size. And I'm fine with my shape. I really and truly am okay with the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Sure... I have flaws. And yeah, of course, there are lots of things I need to fix about my body. I need to do a lot of things. But aside from that, I'm okay with me.

Every now and then I get into a big exercise kick. It's not to lose weight. It's to relieve stress. It feels good to work out hard and sweat. Growing up, I hated to sweat. I thought sweating was the worst possible thing that could happen to a girl... a fat girl at that. There's nothing worse that being soaking wet from sweat when you're a big girl. It's not pleasant being big anyway. Adding sweat to that isn't pretty.

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But now that I'm older, I appreciate the sweat and try to make the best of it. The problem, though, isn't sweating anymore. It's large breasts. Skinny women have it easy when working out. Well... skinny women with smaller chests. I am neither skinny, nor have a smaller chest. And I hate to say it so bluntly, but my girls get in the way. It seems like there is never enough holding them down while I run. I usually double down on the foundation garments. But sometimes that isn't enough. It's just not easy running when you're a bigger girl.

But dealing with issues being overweight is more than just what you see. It's more than just picking out clothes and hoping they fit. And it's more than what that number says on the scale. It's a feeling. It's a depression. And it's a low. I try to not let people see the real me. I don't let people get in to know the real me. What you see is happy-go-lucky girl and not the I'm-not-good-enough girl. More often than not, the I'm-not-good-enough girl is in charge. I'm working at making myself healthier. But it seems that the feeling of not being good enough isn't going anywhere. I take a ton of photographs... and a lot are self portraits. And I'm sure people think that's stupid. And I'm sure people think I'm conceited or selfish. But they have no idea why I do it or why I post them. It's not about showing others me... it's about showing ME, me... I try hard every day to find happiness within myself. And when I feel good about myself, I try to capture that moment so I can look back and say "see... you are good enough."

Okay. I'm done with this rambling on. This topic is never ending... and I, personally, need to get my sleep. Sleep is healthy. See... I've worked out hard tonight (running 18 minutes straight with only one 20 second break to stretch my calves) and I'm going to get sleep. This "healthy" girl seems to be doing something right tonight. :)

Oh... and the USA has confirmed the death of Osama Bin Laden. That's bigger history making than my running. Night!