It's Not Easy Being...

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It's not easy being a bigger girl. I've never in my life been a really skinny girl. Not even in elementary school can I remember being smaller. I've always had to shop at the higher end of the spectrum of clothing racks at department stores. And alot of times, there isn't a big selection of age appropriate stylish clothing. It's frustrating when you have pretty good fashion sense but you can't really find the clothing to match that.

This topic brings up a lot of things. Let me say, first and foremost, that I'm very much okay with the woman I am. I am fine with my size. And I'm fine with my shape. I really and truly am okay with the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Sure... I have flaws. And yeah, of course, there are lots of things I need to fix about my body. I need to do a lot of things. But aside from that, I'm okay with me.

Every now and then I get into a big exercise kick. It's not to lose weight. It's to relieve stress. It feels good to work out hard and sweat. Growing up, I hated to sweat. I thought sweating was the worst possible thing that could happen to a girl... a fat girl at that. There's nothing worse that being soaking wet from sweat when you're a big girl. It's not pleasant being big anyway. Adding sweat to that isn't pretty.

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But now that I'm older, I appreciate the sweat and try to make the best of it. The problem, though, isn't sweating anymore. It's large breasts. Skinny women have it easy when working out. Well... skinny women with smaller chests. I am neither skinny, nor have a smaller chest. And I hate to say it so bluntly, but my girls get in the way. It seems like there is never enough holding them down while I run. I usually double down on the foundation garments. But sometimes that isn't enough. It's just not easy running when you're a bigger girl.

But dealing with issues being overweight is more than just what you see. It's more than just picking out clothes and hoping they fit. And it's more than what that number says on the scale. It's a feeling. It's a depression. And it's a low. I try to not let people see the real me. I don't let people get in to know the real me. What you see is happy-go-lucky girl and not the I'm-not-good-enough girl. More often than not, the I'm-not-good-enough girl is in charge. I'm working at making myself healthier. But it seems that the feeling of not being good enough isn't going anywhere. I take a ton of photographs... and a lot are self portraits. And I'm sure people think that's stupid. And I'm sure people think I'm conceited or selfish. But they have no idea why I do it or why I post them. It's not about showing others me... it's about showing ME, me... I try hard every day to find happiness within myself. And when I feel good about myself, I try to capture that moment so I can look back and say "see... you are good enough."

Okay. I'm done with this rambling on. This topic is never ending... and I, personally, need to get my sleep. Sleep is healthy. See... I've worked out hard tonight (running 18 minutes straight with only one 20 second break to stretch my calves) and I'm going to get sleep. This "healthy" girl seems to be doing something right tonight. :)

Oh... and the USA has confirmed the death of Osama Bin Laden. That's bigger history making than my running. Night!