A Nice Day Out

My sister and I headed out (without the 3 year old) for a "Girls Day Out" thing at the conference center today. We weren't really impressed with the little event. There were only a couple of things we enjoyed. The "Fake Cakes" were really weird. There were lots of little jewelry booths set up. One caught my eye... Stella&Dot. They have fantastic jewelry. But gosh, they're expensive. I might, though, check into hosting a party. But I don't know that anyone I know could afford this costume jewelry. Ugh...

After the event, we enjoyed a nice lunch on the patio at Rafferty's. Even though the waiter wasn't great, the food was pretty good. And the moment was even better. We just sat and talked over cheese fries and a cocktail. It was a really good time just hanging out, being there with my sister.

After our nice lunch, we shopped a little at the mall and then headed home. Back to homework. Back to housework. Back to Nolan. I had thought about grabbing a drink out at my local watering hole, but I think I'm just done for the night. It's not as much fun going alone anyway. But who knows?? The night is still young.

Check Out Time

I'm past my expiration for today. This week has been full of storms, and work, and homework. And I'm done, I tell ya! Even if I've made it to bed early, I've been woken up by the clapping of thunder and the sharp bursts of lightning. Last night, you'd think I'd get to catch up a little bit because Mother Nature decided to play fair for one evening. But nope... the break in severe weather didn't help the sleeping situation any. Instead, I tossed and turned all night. I think my body was in "storm! danger!" mode and didn't know how to get out of it. I'm hoping tonight will be different.

Thankfully, today went by quickly. Too quickly if you ask me. I have no idea where Thursday went. I finished a post on Facebook then turned to look at the time. I was floored when I saw that it was nearly 9 o'clock. And since my cable box is flashing something weird (Subt OFF) at me, I think I'll turn in. Or at least turn to candles and a long, hot bath. That's gotta help, right?!

Well... I just heard Mother Nature outside my window again. So I'm checking out... 'night!

Hands Down Favorite

One of the most asked questions is "What's your favorite song?". For years I would say, "I don't really have a favorite song. I like all music." Then I realized that was a bold-faced lie. I love, have always loved, and will always love Guitar Town by Steve Earle. Yeah, yeah. I know... it's not the most popular song out there. And it's not the newest song out there. But it's a song that I have consistently said I loved since I was young.

Steve Earle came out with this song in 1986 on his album titled Guitar Town. I was 7 years old when I realized I loved this song. I loved the video. I remember getting really excited when I'd see it on CMT. The part I remembered most was him getting off the tour bus. And I thought... I want someone to take me to the Guitar Town.

Well nothing much has changed. I still want someone to take me back with them to the Guitar Town. I decided (finally) that this song was THE song just a few years ago. It was like a big slap in the face. "DUH!" I remember late nights coming home from the local pub, heading to McDonald's for a double cheeseburger with my girl, Crystal, and singing this song at the top of my lungs. It has to be, hands down, my favorite. And I'm leaving you with it...

Lost and Found

I feel lost in my thoughts lately. And not just lost in my thoughts, but lost in myself. I seem to be letting my emotions build up, like I always do. I feel like a break down is coming soon and I'm not sure when that's going to happen. Today... it's really close. I don't know if there's anywhere I could run away to or anyone I should run away from. And then I don't know who I should talk to or what I should even be talking about.

I'm really sad about a lot of things. And my thoughts are all over the place. I'm scattered and I'm angry. I was hoping that my trip to church today would open my eyes a little bit. But it just didn't.

Right now, I'm unhappy. And I don't know where to go to find happiness.

I think there's a reason the weather is so rough these days. It matches how I feel perfectly.

Religion... Is it what you make it??

~photo credit~

It's no secret that I'm not a very religious person. I believe that sometimes you just have to have faith. But I also believe that there should be proof. What makes the Bible any different from any other novel? Who says it's real? When I think about these questions or ask these questions I get the same answers over and over again... you just have to have faith in God and believe it.

I don't know what to believe and I don't know who is right. I just have to listen to myself and go with it. So does that mean that I'm wrong in what I believe? Does that mean that I'm lost or that I'm going to Hell? Is there a Heaven and a Hell? I don't know. I don't know what I believe. And that sort of scares me. Is religion what you make of it? Is it where you go to worship? How you worship? Or is it more of how you perceive what is the written word?

I don't know that I'm ready to fully investigate all of these questions. And I'm not sure I'm ready to give in to just believing without proof. But at least I'm asking questions about it. This weekend is a big weekend for religious buffs. I know what this weekend means. I know what Easter signifies. And I know the importance this holiday is for those that have faith. And believe it or not, it's important to me, too. The magnificence of what Easter means is beautiful and everlasting.

Easter is one of the only Sundays that I attend church. I go to my grandmother's church, the Methodist church we grew up going to. My parents believed in us making our own decisions toward Christ and accepting Him when we were ready. For that, I am grateful. For years, I have thought about His glory and His word. And I wonder when I will be able to fully accept Him. If I will ever be able to fully accept Him. And I know there must have been signs I had missed along the way. Everyone says there are signs. He gives you signs. But where are they? When did He show me the way? Maybe I really am THAT naive.

All I can do is be honest with myself. And honestly, I worry about posting this blog because of the whole topic itself. Religion is one of those things you just can't talk about easily with everyone. For that reason alone, I am posting this. It's important to me to be honest. And being honest means being true about everything that is me. Do you have to fall down completely before He lifts you up? Or is that something I just have to figure out on my own?

Busy Signal

I didn't know phones these days actually had busy signals. I guess I'm so used to multiple lines and ringing until the voicemail picks up. When I actually do get a busy signal I am completely flustered and think "what?! busy?!"...

But after accepting the busy signal, I realized that it's sort of my life. I sit back and think "you're not that busy, Tammy"... But then I think about what I've been doing and realize that yeah, maybe I have been busy. I've neglected my friends. I've neglected myself some. Schoolwork has got me down lately. It seems like the last few weeks of this semester are taking forever AND are full of more work. I'm constantly typing and writing and researching and checking deadlines. I liked life much better when I didn't have all that extra going on. But when I didn't have all that extra, I was busy doing nothing.

It's no secret that I like my sleep. I love being cozied up in my awesome bed at home with my high thread count sheets and my handmade quilt. Just like now, the fan is blowing a breeze over me and I'm so content with my life. It's much more enjoyable now, though, because I just finished a Health assignment and I can actually enjoy it without worrying about what's due next. I can worry about that tomorrow. Tonight, I plan on a little laundry and nothing else. And I think that suits me just fine.

So for the rest of the night, I have my "busy signal" on. I see sleep in my very near future.

Procrastination

So I've got my homework pretty much completed. And I've got my room pretty much cleaned up. But I'm sitting here on this computer wasting time enjoying myself doing absolutely nothing. Procrastination is a horrible thing. But, I admit, when I'm doing it I'm really doing it. I have until midnight tonight to get this homework turned in. And I really want to be able to sleep tonight. So that means I need to get this mess off of my bed. I am absolutely ridiculous.

On another note, I've decided to stop procrastinating in life. I'm no longer going to put off the things that I know I would love just because I'm worried about spending a penny or losing sleep. I know that by doing the things I want to do, I'll probably end up broke. But I also know that the richness I'll gain in experience and laughter and love will totally make up for it. I'm tired of looking back thinking "Dang! I should have done that!" or "I'll do it next time". No! There will be no "next time" because I'm going to do it THIS TIME! I know a few people that are willing to join me on this journey. I've already started my traveling adventures for the year. I've been to Gatlinburg twice already AND experienced Mardi Gras in the bayou. I can't tell you the memories I've gained already this year. But I can tell you this is only the beginning. I'm ready to let the good times roll! So... bank account, you'd better get on board! I'm about to use and abuse you to the fullest! Get ready life! 'Cause here I come!

The Good Ole Days

This was my life for all of high school. This band meant the world to me. But not just the band as a whole, but each of the people in it. They were my friends... but they were more family.

This was Senior Prom 1997. What a night that was?! Look how great everyone looks!! My girls were so beautiful that day... And those guys don't look too bad either.

Band Seniors of 1997

This trophy was standing on the ground... we were not holding it up. This was our first Grand Champion trophy... Marching Band Season 1996. 

Football/Marching Band Senior Night with mom and dad

I have to be honest. I was so angry with Everett (my date) in the weeks before Prom that I ordered the most expensive flowers I could find and made him pay for them. LOL. But this turned out to be a good night. LOL

I had tons of photos and put them altogether into these collages. They represent just a few of the good times we had. We might have been "band geeks" but we had the best times ever! 

Obviously, I was proud of my pizza job at Hungry Howie's. LOL. Check out the hair on the guys in the bottom right corner of this collage. I love it! I just love looking back. 

I miss these guys and hope everyone is doing great!

Pillow Therapy

I've been telling myself for days that I'm going to bed early. And I'm telling myself that yet again tonight. I. Am. Exhausted. Today has been a really long day. Within the last 24 hours, I've baked a cake large enough to be a tiered wedding cake... I've lost an uncle... A filly was born... and I've had a tire blow out. I'm done. I think it's time to soak in a hot bath and go straight to bed. There's no reason to prolong this evening. So goodnight.

Lean On Me

~photo credit~

I've been through this before... I've been to countless visitations and too many funerals to keep up with. I have a large family, on both my mom's side and my dad's. My heart is breaking tonight for my dad and his family.

My uncle, George Steele, passed away tonight from a heart attack. I don't know if it was sudden or if this was something his immediate family knew and was worried about. But to us, it came as a surprise. And even though my family has seen its fair share of sadness, this one isn't any easier to deal with.

My dad's family is close, but not as close as my immediate family. There were 12 kids, 6 boys and 6 girls. My dad was the youngest boy. My grandparents both passed away when I was younger. I have some of the fondest memories with my grandmother. But it saddens me to say that my only memory of my grandfather was when my dad did CPR on him the night he died. Only one other sibling has passed away. My Aunt Carolyn died in 2004. I believe that was also due to a heart attack. I can only hope that our family bonds together and learns to accept and understand what has happened.

I am not a very religious person. But I do pray when times are hard to deal with. And right now, I'm praying for my family... and mostly my dad. He's a tough guy and doesn't always show when he's hurting. Angry... yes. Sad... not so much. So if you're reading this blog... even if you don't know me... just thank God for the family you have. If you're fighting, stop. If you're loving... love harder. This is all you've got. They are all you've got. And you never know when something will take them away.

I love you, Daddy. You're my rock and we're here for you. 



Frustration Inspiration

Frustration can lead to lots of battles within yourself. It often helps to workout, take a nap or escape from life with a long hot bath. It also helps to write about it. Lots of song writers, poets and artists get their inspiration from their anger.

I'm not angry. But I'm not really happy right now. I'm tired. And we all know what that's like... cranky. I have things on my mind that are worrying me. Most of which aren't even worth the worry, or the time to write about them. But I'm hoping this vague post will be enough to get my frustrations out a bit. And if not, I guess I'll spend time with the ole pen and paper.

So... with that being said, I have three cakes to frost for a community baby shower tomorrow. I need to find energy to push through and get it done. Once I get started, it won't take too long to finish. I just need those cakes to cool fast! I'll post pics after it's completed. It might be tomorrow though.

Who are you?

I thought by the time I was 30 I'd know who I am. But as it turns out, I have no idea who that girl is staring be back in the mirror. When I was 24, a life changing event happened that helped to shape the person I am today. Back then, a scared and very sad girl filled a void with drinking and partying and friends. Things happened during that period in my life that I'll never forget... and I'll never regret.

I thought I knew myself then. I thought I knew who I was inside and out. I became happy with me. A confidence I had never known before was in me. I loved the feeling I had about myself and wondered where that was all my life. I knew I could grow out of the deep depression I was in. And I did.

But depression follows me, in one way or another. And every day I fight it. Sometimes it's just stronger than others. And nowadays, I see that same twenty-something girl in the mirror and wonder what happened to her. The girl that was so full of life and so vivacious. Where did she go? Did she just get old? Or did she lose herself again?

Maybe I never found myself. Maybe I learned a little about myself back then but have never really known me. I'm still searching. The pieces don't fit yet, but someday they might. Or maybe I'll forever be looking for answers to who I am. I'm stuck between obsessive compulsive and a hot mess. And I'm a little bit country... and a little bit rock n roll. I've got a part of me that rocks a gypsy soul and another part that wants the finest things in life.

And having all of these "parts" of me just confuses me more. I don't know where I belong. And I don't know who I should be. So for now, I'm just going with what I have... just working with what I've got. And hopefully that's enough. That's all I can wish for. But I keep asking myself "who are you?"...

Really Not Understanding...

Okay so there's a lot to this post. I'll just warn you in advance.

First... Why, oh why, do you stop working Internet Explorer every time I open up a test for my business class? I can't even get the first question answered before you quit and force me to exit. I'm not very happy with you. Therefore, I have reset you and maybe you'll work now. Hopefully I can get the test reset, YET AGAIN. I've tried other browsers and they don't seem to work either. Is it the test?! (FRUSTRATING)

I'm also not understanding guys these days. You talk to one on one day. Nothing from him the next day. Talk to him the day after that. Nothing from him after that. Then there's the guy that you talk to for three weeks straight (pretty much). Then you go out of town for a week and hear nothing from him. I mean, what gives?! I know I'm not exactly playing the field professionally just yet. But I am practicing on the turf thinking about the pros. I've come a long way from Cynic-Ville, USA. I know I have a long way to go. But I just don't understand it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm either a) really boring, therefore not good conversation; b) not very attractive, so it's not worth the work getting to me; or c) all of the above. LOL.

And then the last thing on my mind is my best friend's baby girl, Lucie. I guess I really don't understand why these things happen. I know, I know. Everything happens for a reason. But this little sweetheart needs to get better really soon. I would much rather have this than her. I'm just really not understanding these days...