Open The Flood Gates

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Well... it only took me about 20 seconds after posting that pic in my "30 Day Challenge" photo album on Facebook before I broke down. I have to start letting myself let go. I have to begin coping and dealing with things in a different way or else this is going to happen a lot.

I miss my brother so much. I feel like he's traded me in for someone better. And I hate feeling like I'm nothing to him anymore. He was my best friend. The person I always turned to for anything... everything. And now I feel like I'm just another family member to him. I mean, it's not like he's on the other side of the world... he's about 2 hours away from me. But that 2 hour drive from here is enough to stack walls between us. And I miss being able to talk to him about everything. Now he only calls when he's on the road driving the truck for work or when he's grocery shopping. I feel like he's just too busy for us when he's home... we only get his time when he's not home pre-occupied. And it stinks to feel this way. I can't talk to him when I want to... I don't feel like I can anyway. And I gripe and complain all the time when I'm talking to him. But I'm just so angry and sad. I hate missing him so much. My heart breaks every time he leaves. I just want my brother back... I want my best friend back.

And now the flood gates have opened and I'm out of tissues. I guess it's a good thing it's my bed time and I can just go to sleep.

WARNING!!!

I believe it is officially the beginning of wild weather season. The wind is whistling through the window and I'm hoping I'll sleep well in it. In fact, I might turn in very soon. And I think it's gonna have to be sooner rather than later... The National Weather Service has cut off my DVR 3 times during my 30 minute recording of Sex And The City... and I skip commercials! If I had my choice, I think I'd take snow tonight... At least when it snows, I get to watch my shows.

On another note... Today is Thursday. Which means tomorrow is Friday. And I'm one week away from my Mississippi/New Orleans vacation. Mardi Gras 2011 here we come! I've been thinking about this trip since the opportunity came up. I've got to figure out what to pack and what we're going to be doing. And I've got to stop thinking about missing Nolan. I know I'm going to have a wonderful time... but I know I'm going to miss my little buddy so much. I just hope I can get through the days gone without a breakdown. So my focus is going to be fun... the whole time! And celebrating my best girl's 30th birthday is going to be the best! I think I'm past this thunderstorm... I'm ready for a Hurricane!

It's Not You... It's Me...

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I love Girl Scout Cookies. And I HATE Girl Scout Cookies. I vowed this year to not buy one single box. NOT ONE! And I haven't. But these dang things are haunting me. My sister brought home 2 boxes of Do-Si-Dos and a box of Tagalongs. Then mom had to go and bring home Trefoils and Thin Mints. These over-priced confections make me mad. I don't want them. And I certainly don't need them. So Girl Scouts... please take your cookies... away! It's not you... It's me...

Silver Lining

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I am so tired of being sick. And I am so tired of being an emotional wreck. I'm TIRED of it!! This pitiful me has to go! Now! With every minute that passes, I'm gaining more energy. And with every new bit of energy comes a little more happiness.

There is a silver lining. I just know there is. And my silver lining came in the form of a 3 year old's smile...

I took my nephew to Chuck E Cheese yesterday and met up with my cousin and her little girl. It was the perfect day to try to go because no one was there. Well... maybe like 5 families total. We played and played and had the best time. Nolan was so good for me. And he just opened my heart again. His smile is so addictive. And that laughter is so contagious. We had so much fun together.

~Nolan and Magaily playing at Chuck E Cheese~

~He totally deserved this frosted Elmo cookie... He was great for me!~

I was still tired and worn out from everything. But today, it has gotten just that much better. I woke up with him being my sweetheart. And then this afternoon he was so happy to see me and just wanted to "hang out". Then tonight, he wrote me a sweet little note that said "Buzzy I love you Nolan". (I know it doesn't say much... but it says everything.) And that's just done it for me. My cloud has a huge silver lining. And it came just when I needed it! I've had my moment alone. And then I've had my moments with Nolan. And I can say those sweet moments with my little buddy are so much better than spending any moment alone.

So thank you, Nolan, for showing me the silver lining this week. It's been a long journey trying to get better. And I'm still working on it. But with Nolan in my life, I know the sun is shining just down the road.

My Sister... My Forever Friend...

To my dearest sister...

 I love you more than you will ever know. And, to me, you're never "just" my sister. You're my forever friend. You're the person I turn to. You're the one I act silly with. My carbon copy, people say. I look up to you in so many ways. And I listen to you even when you're not saying a word. Because we know each other... inside and out. Backwards and front. We know us. And we know when things are bothering each other. And we know when it's right to say something and when it's not. More often than not, I usually say something anyway... which leads to a fight or something stupid. (This goes back to one of my 30 Day Challenge Photos... keeping my mouth shut.) But without those words, even when inappropriate, I'm me. And you accept me for who I am. And you're you... and I accept you for who you are. I believe in you. I will always believe in you... even if no one else does. I do. Because you're a part of me. A part of me that I will forever treasure. When it comes to "best girls"... you're one of few. And I wouldn't trade your love, your wisdom and your trust for anything in the world. I love you, Rea. Thank you for always being my number one. I hope you truly know what you mean to me and never have to question that.

Paynes Grey

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These days, I feel just like this color. I guess it's no wonder why it's one of my favorites. Grey... Paynes Grey. It is so rich and so deep. It's sad and empty. Ill and alone.

The sickness that has taken over my body is slowly leaving me in a state of depression. My grey December is setting up residency as Winter dissolves around me. Not even the sunshine through my window today has awakened my senses. I have slept so much the last week that I didn't think it could be possible to still be sleepy. But I am. I am most comfortable in my flannel pajamas and my cozy bed. And I'm okay with it.

I'm not okay, though, with zero energy and zero smile. Obviously, being sick is nothing to be happy about. But now that it is going away, I should have some happiness about it. Right?! Instead, I'm just blah. And I feel like I'm fighting inside. I'm so aggravated these days. I am conflicted with myself. I say things that I mean... and then a minute later I don't know if I mean them. I don't know where I'm coming from these days. But I know I'm not 100% today. I hope to fall asleep tonight and wake up with a brighter tomorrow. 

Sometimes I think I need to get out my paintbrush and a canvas and just see where that takes me. Sometimes I think I should get out my notebook and a pencil and go to work writing. But I always end up empty handed. I end up with a blank canvas and an empty book. 

And then I end up with this... a depressing entry into my blog. I've got to find that Cadmium Yellow soon or I'm afraid I might be stuck with Paynes Grey forever.  

Broken

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Sometimes I find it hard to express how I'm really feeling. Sometimes I don't.

Tonight I feel a little broken...

I often set myself up for hard times and sadness. And I usually know when it's coming and why it's coming. And it usually has something to do with the fact that I don't let it out before it gets too bad. I think that writing it out in my blog or in my diary helps. But sometimes it's not enough. And when it's not enough, it comes out all wrong, harsh and ugly. I don't know where that happy medium is with coping and dealing. One day I will figure it out. One day I will learn when it's right to vocalize my pain and when to keep it locked down. It's just so ridiculous sometimes. I am so ridiculous sometimes. I feel like I'm not important not as important as other people... friends... family... I feel invisible to myself. Today. Most days.

It should be my day, someday. I know there are things I could do that might make things better. And I know I'm living the life I choose to live. I picked this. I choose this every day. I choose it because it's what I know and what I'm okay with. I choose it because, to me, it feels right.

But I choose it. And I choose to accept my faults and these insane moments that break me. I feel a part of me shattered tonight. But I know that the pieces will glue back together again, just like they always do. Until I break me again...

Ugh... Sigh... Yuck... Blah...

Valentine's Day has come and gone. Another year has passed. Another year older. Another year {somewhat... for the most part... pretty much} happily single.

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I'm very disturbed to say that I'm not happy about something. I'm not happy at all! I ordered flowers through FTD for my sister for Valentine's Day and she still has not received them. I also ordered flowers for my mother and my best girl. I had to order them through 1-800-Flowers because FTD wouldn't take my order. Well, mom and Crystal got their flowers before they left work on Monday. Here it is Tuesday evening and there's no sign at all... not one leaf... not one petal to be found. Just so you guys know, it stinks to pay extra for delivery and then not get it the next day even. Today would have been fine. I would have been okay with that. But she has yet to receive them and I'm not happy.

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On a side note, I'm not happy with this raw feeling in my throat. I've been having some health issues, as I'm sure many of you have. Sinus or allergy or cold or flu... something is getting me down. My eyes are sore. My chest hurts. I have a nagging cough that's making my throat raw. Ugh! I love every season we have. But it's the "in-between" seasons that really get me down.

Even feeling rough, I managed to bake and decorate a baby shower cake for tomorrow. I know I've done better... but it still turned out pretty cute. I hope the mother-to-be likes it. :) I'm actually starting to rock out some cakes lately... maybe I should start charging... LOL

Now it's off to bed. I'll do those dishes tomorrow. {"I won't think about it now. I'll think about it tomorrow." ~ Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind}

Happy Valentine's Day...

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I've been away from my blog for a few days celebrating the holiday in my own way. Dinner on Saturday night with my best girl was so much fun. I forgot how good the drinks are at Friday's.

Pink Punk Cosmo = Delicious!

We ate... we drank... and we were merry.

After spending a wonderful night, just two single girls, I stopped down at the bar for a little bit. Why waste a good outfit, right?! Well I left there and went home. It was nice to get into bed and just get some sleep. On Sunday, we celebrated V-Day with Nolan. He had so much fun with all his surprises.

This is him with his "big red puppy".

And he was a little "sweetheart" in the newspaper.

Then after all a beautiful, sunny day we shared a nice family dinner at Olive Garden. Afterwards, I spent another Sunday singing the blues at Wha Bah with my best girl.

Ending up the night was laughter in the bathroom stalls while reading the crazy messages scrawled on the wooden doors. It's so funny that people still vandalize property like that. It's even funnier that we get a kick out of reading it and just hope for something new. LOL. We got your number Tisha! Wait... was her name Tisha?! LOL. Wow, what a weekend?!

So I'm ending my Happy Heart Day by spending the night at home with my little buddy. At least I'm festive in my Valentine pajama pants. Sometimes holidays are really exciting... and sometimes they're just like today. And today is just a Monday.

Addiction

I have come to realize that I have an addiction. Not only to chocolate, but also to Puffs Plus Lotion WITH Vicks. Ugh! I forgot, until tonight, how much I love these tissues. It's ridiculous, I know. But I could seriously sit here and just inhale the menthol. I know it's got to be bad for me. But I need them, right?? Right??

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I do realize that I look exactly like this photo every time I get out a new tissue. It's love, I tell ya!

And back to the other addictions I'm having lately. Chocolate. Wine.I don't know if it's just because it's so readily available or because of Valentine's Day or if I'm secretly depressed because I'm alone... again... on another holiday. LOL. But... I'm definitely taking advantage of the good stuff these days. Today, caramels... Tomorrow, brownies. It's awful, I know. But chocolate is unconditional love. And the wine is just good for the soul. Good for my soul anyway. Who says you can't have it all??

Cabin Fever

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Loving the snow is one thing... cabin fever is another. Despite the inches upon inches of white stuff covering the ground, I had to get out of the house today. My sister, nephew and I got out to enjoy the sunshine and a day off. Stopping at her office this afternoon, we saw this...

Yes... you see it correctly. That's Wildman outside in 15 degree weather blowing snow off the sidewalk in a tshirt and cotton shorts. YES... that is correct. CRAZY!! I was freezing my butt off just trying to take this picture (and I was inside the car!). It was absolutely hilarious.

After leaving there laughing hysterically, we ventured into town to shop a little bit. It was nice to see some congestion on the roads. It's almost back to normal. Though I will miss the snow when it melts, it was good to get out of this house.

People are getting sick. This weather going back and forth is making the worst in everyone appear. My nephew was sick this week. My cousin's little girl tested positive for the flu. Sinus headaches are becoming my best friends lately. And Nyquil is soon to be setting up shop on my nightstand. It seems later coming on this year than normal. I thought I was going to slide by this winter without a sickness of any kind. But I am not so sure that's going to happen anymore.

Being sick doesn't allow much focus on homework. So I thought I'd best get it done before it really sets in. And now that my homework for this week is completed, I can focus on the one thing I love the most... sleep. It's 5 degrees outside right now according to my Weather Channel toolbar. So I think I'll definitely be keeping on my knee socks tonight. Maybe even thow on an extra pair. I have got to invest in a heated blanket or matress pad soon! Happy dreaming folks... Tomorrow is Friday.

Complaint Department

So... I guess I'm just not getting it. For a while now, I've heard nothing but complaints about the snow. I see it out there. I see it piling up in the yards, on the roads, everywhere. But unlike everyone else, I love it. I think I'm the last person out there who actually just wants to sit back and watch it pour down from my window. There's just something so fresh and quiet about the snow. It's cold. It brings new beginnings (eventually). New beginnings like Spring, which leads to Summer and Fall and so-on. I'm not tired of it. I wouldn't care if another 5 inches fell on us. I have nowhere I need to be. Nothing I have to be doing. Maybe that's where I'm different from other people. I actually can sit back and enjoy it.

I took this photo outside my bedroom window earlier today of some trees in our creekbed. To me, it is so peaceful. It makes me think of old Disney movies where they show the cartoon birds eating their seeds on the freshly fallen snow. It makes me think of Jo and Laurie. And it makes me think about music. And tonight, the song I'm singing is so much more beautiful than the best classics out there. Because I'm singing about peace and joy in my heart. So I say "Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!"

What Goes Around...

So they say "what goes around comes around" and I'm sure they're right. "THEY" being everyone believing in Karma. I totally believe in Karma. But I'm not really understanding "WHEN" it's going to come around. LOL. I try to do what I think is best and I try to help out other people, but it seems like what I'm sending out there is never being returned. LOL. I'm about to purchase one of those Karma necklaces and hope for the best. In the meantime, I'm just going to tough it out and wait for the results of my kindness.

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On one episode of Friends, I think it was Phoebe that said there was no such thing as a selfless act of kindness. And I totally agree. No matter what you do, who you help or how much you help... even if you do it anonymously... you still get some sort of reward or feeling of good deed. Maybe that's all I should be looking for... Maybe that's all it takes. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Yeah I'm always asking for too much.

Well it's off of here for me. My bedtime just keeps getting later and later these days.

Same ole, same ole...

For someone that likes herself just fine, I sure spend a lot of time talking about the opposite. But I think I know what my issue is... I think I'm constantly afraid that guys won't like me for me and I sabotage any chances of letting a guy in to know me. I'm quick to blow off someone and even quicker at reverting to my old habits of hanging around the house and playing with my nephew. How do I stop the sabotage?

Other than this thought, my day has been filled with snow. And I cannot lie... I love it! It's absolutely beautiful. I don't have any reason whatsoever to complain. Even though Spring is nice and it's just around the corner. I still love me some snow. I think this calls for a big cup of cocoa!!

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On another note, my nephew is sick. It breaks my heart to see him feeling so bad. I'm sure there are things going around (flu, strep, etc), but I really hope it's just a 24 hour thing.

So for now, I'm going to cuddle up and keep warm and watch the snow out my window.

+ One

Sometimes I really think about the single life and how it continues to be a major factor in my life. But it's not really a "single" life. I don't date. I don't think I'm opposed to it... but I'm definitely not out there trying hard to find a date either. So it's usually just me. There's never a plus one. My wingman has found a boyfriend recently and had asked to bring him along to a party we were supposed to attend (it got canceled, no biggie). I'm so very happy for her!! She totally deserves to find a little lovin' and a lotta happiness.

I deserve to find that same kind of happiness, too. But when I go out, I find it hard to talk to men. I also find that a lot of the single crowd are young, skinny women. I'm neither. I'm proud of the person I've become. But thinking about the young, skinny girls makes me wonder about my own fate. And I wonder if it truly is easier for a skinny girl to find a man. Obviously, most thinner women are better looking that fuller figured women. Most men out there, I'm sure, would not really want to be with a woman carrying a little extra lovin' around with her. But... with that being said, I like me. I think I clean up nicely.

And yes, on most days I look like death.

Just like this photo here... a snow day... laying around all day in my pajamas playing with my nephew. He's okay with me just the way I am. And most days, I am too. I wonder if I should worry more about what people think of me and less of what I think of myself... would that help me open up more and be more "available" for dating? I feel like I should be working out for hours a day and eating only 500 calories. I feel like I should be out there dressing to the nines just wishing, hoping for that date to come up. But I'm not. I work out some (not as much as I should) and I am aware of what I'm putting into my body. I'm nowhere near perfect. But I'm okay with who I am, on most days. I'm okay with being just me.

But... It might be nice to have a + One. You know... someday...



Good Night

I love these guys (and gal). I spent a really great night out with family and friends enjoying the sounds of Floord. I'm really big on local music. And it doesn't get much better than this. We laughed... we sang... and we danced. Such a good time.

Gradie and Chelsea came out to listen for a little while.

I got to spend some time with my sister.

And my best girl...

Even my parents were out having a good time.

All in all, this weekend has been good... and it's only Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing another great friend tomorrow for a Superbowl party. I'm boring lately... and I don't have much else to blog about. But life is pretty good right now. Thanks for coming along on the ride...

Out of touch...

Well... I feel like I've been away from my blog forever. This week has been a little busy, a little exhausting and a whole lot spontaneous.

One week ago today, we decided to up and go to Gatlinburg. And I mean on a whim!! I was driving home from work when my mom called to tell me to hurry it up and pack a bag. Then I stopped off at Wha Bah for the KY Blues Society's Blues Jam on Sunday night when I returned from the mountains. Another spontaneous part of the week was the cake making. Then I felt sick... and then I got some meds to take care of that.

We had ladies night with all the aunts and cousins (that we could get together). We laughed until we were in tears reading the funniest things.

We spent quality time with our beautiful grandmother.

And just enjoyed each other's company.

The week should close out with a bang! Tonight was a little low-key. Tomorrow is another story. Shopping in Lebanon, TN with my best girl and then seeing my guys at Wha Bah tomorrow night. A weekend with Floord is always a good weekend. THEN... as if that weren't enough already... Superbowl party at my other best girl's house. I say my life is good... but really... My life is GOOD!

Suzie Cake-Maker

When a pregnant lady says bake a cake, you bake a cake!!

I spent my night sort of busy baking and decorating and coloring my mother's hair and tanning. It's been quite productive. But I'm really wanting to just jump in the tub and relax forever. But I know 5:45 comes early in the morning and I need to be getting myself ready for that. Good thing tomorrow is Wednesday! I'm ready for this weekend. Brunch and outlet mall shopping with my best girl Saturday morning... then Floord is playing Wha Bah on Saturday night and I need to make a reservation for 11 people. I hope I can get my homework done in time. Ugh... I wish I had something more to complain about... LOL... Life is good.