It was an every night thing. She would dress up in her pink comic strip heels and black lace shirt and I would put on some jeans and go through her earrings trying to find the biggest pair of chandaliers she had. We would waltz out of the duplex confident and sassy on our way downtown to drink in the night. We were invincible, so we thought. We didn't pay a cover charge and we had our own seats. We listened to the people ordering beers and shots and felt the music in our veins. This was the life. What could be better for single girls in their twenties? We stayed out late and slept in. Well, I slept in. She had to work earlier than I did. This was all before I started working the night shift. But it was good. We had the best time meeting local musicians and being crazy, wild, twenty-something girls.
It seems like that part of me was a dream. That life I lived so many years ago is so different from the life I live today. My perspective on life is different. I know that's how it is supposed to be as you grow up, but somehow this seems unreal.
I talked to a friend of mine from back in that time just today. This friend was someone I thought a lot of... he is so talented. He has a voice that is rich, almost like a smooth single barrel bourbon. He reminded me of that time - the days when I was carefree and had no problem dancing in the wind. He reminded me of a time when I was lost and uncertain about my life. I had no idea who I was (not that I do now), but I was truly a lost soul. I sought solace in a drink and the vibrations of the music. Things I used to do back then were a reflection of that.
Times have changed, and that lost girl found some of herself. She found truth inside her and grew a bit of a conscience. In doing so, she lost, too. That confidence she thought she had is not really there anymore. There are days when I feel pretty good about myself, but after the chat today I don't feel it. Being brought back to those days isn't a great feeling when I have come so far and grown so much. I have learned to take some responsibility for myself and my actions... my thoughts and my feelings. I cannot say that I am not happy to have matured a little. Being in my thirties is so different from being in my twenties, better really. I guess it's just hard to think of how ridiculous life was back then when I was searching for something, anything that would fill the void of unhappiness. Today, I just deal with it. Or maybe I deal with it a little better. I'm not unhappy with life, though, and I certainly am not complaining about it. But it does hurt a little to be reminded of how I used to be and being told that basically growing up and becoming a more responsible woman is "uncool" and how I should be more like my twenty-something self.
I realize this is ridiculous and I'm not making a lot of sense. I can't begin to explain it all without going into lengthy details of my past, but I can say that I'm just not that girl anymore.
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