Holiday Cheer

Though my grandfather's passing has been really rough on me, I've found that there's still a bit of holiday cheer in my heart. I know that at any given moment, my December Depression could set in and take it all away but that's not slowing me down.

I came into the office this morning to get the day started and found a lovely surprise inside my office door.



My boss brought us in a Christmas tree. It was lit and everything! I hung some candy canes on there today and I plan on decorating it a little more. I know we just have this week left before our Christmas break, but it's nice to have it there anyway.

I love listening to Christmas music and painting ornaments with my nephew... the smell of sweet peppermint and evergreen. I love pretty wrapping paper and brightly colored bows... ornaments covered in glitter that twinkle in the lights of the tree. I love spending time with my family and even those reruns of holiday movies on the Hallmark Channel.

I truly love the holiday season.

And counting...

We are 17 sleeps away from Christmas... and counting.

I'm glad I started my shopping a little early this year, but I am noticing that I still have quite a bit of spending left to do in the next couple of weeks. It's funny how bills get in the way of your spending spree, especially during the holidays.

I'm not one of those people who finish their Christmas shopping really early. In fact, I cannot really say I am finished until Christmas gets here and the shops have closed. You see, I have this major problem... it's called buying for other people. I have no problem spending every dime I have on other people, the issue is when I need something and cannot justify buying it for myself. With that being said, I shop until the last minute; spend every penny I possibly can, just so I can get my own Christmas present... the gift of giving.

I'm not worried about finishing up my list of making sure I have certain, specific gifts for my family. I'm worried about going overboard like I do for every other holiday of the year. My other worry is my inconsistent holiday cheer. This year, I was excited really early for the holiday season. I started listening to my Christmas music... dare I even say it... before Halloween. I've been treating myself to peppermint hot chocolate for a little over a month now and I'm breathing in as much "Evergreen" as Bath & Body Works will allow. And though my heart is still very heavy after the passing of my grandfather, I know his spirit is with me. I know that he is sending his love to me, every day. He walks with me... and he talks with me... I'm sure of it.

One Day At A Time...

It has been just one day since we said goodbye to my Poppa... one long hard day. I'm tired and my mind is still scattered. It's difficult to know what to write... how to write about my pain. And I know that if I can just get my thoughts out, maybe I will sleep with some peace tonight.

The past month has been difficult to take. It was exactly 4 weeks ago today that we found out about my grandfather's cancer and 4 weeks of worry and wonder. Worrying about how long we could selfishly keep him and wondering when it would all end. There is nothing more painful in life than watching someone you love so much just disappear... knowing there is nothing at all you can do to help them or anyone else from feeling the pain and sadness that comes along with losing someone.

I hate feeling helpless. I wish I could be there more for my family members. I wish I could take all the pain away from my mom and my grandmother. I know time heals all wounds, and this too shall pass... but it's not going to be easy. It's not going to be quick. And it's not going to go away forever. There will always be times when something reminds me of my Poppa and there will always be pictures of him around. I never want to forget him.

I miss him asking me if he should just lay back and be quiet. I miss holding his hand and listening to him sleep. I miss him.