Spit it out

In my life, I have been accused of being a bitch or giving my opinion a lot more than I should. I have tried to bite my tongue with those opinions because I know that some of the things I say or think are probably hurtful. I do not apologize for the things I say, but sometimes my execution is not on par.

Even though I have this problem, I am still open and honest. I have talked about it on here before and I've said it in my personal life many times, but I so over someone lying to me. I don't care what your reason is behind it, it is not okay with me.

I talk about some very personal things with my closest friends. If my closest friends are going to lie to me, who I am supposed to trust? Just spit it out. Respect me enough to not lie to me and then act like you didn't. I think I deserve more than that.

Moods, Rudes, and 'Tudes

I don't really know what is going on out in the world these days, but whatever it is... we need to fix it. I feel like I've been dealing with bad moods, rude people, and intense attitudes the past month or so. I'm getting tired of dealing with hateful tones and smart comments. What reason is there for it? Why do we deserve to listen to it? To put up with it? I am trying to be a happy person right now, especially in this "blue period" I am experiencing... but I'm not trying to be rude to people. I guess I missed the memo on how to behave this year. If 2013 is going to be filled with this attitude, I think I'm ready to bypass it and move on to 2014.

Out With The Old

They say that with every new year is a new beginning. There are new adventures that wait for us and new discoveries to be made. In my case, there are new places to see and suitcases to pack. There are new passions to be found and new people to meet.

I am looking into 2013 with an open mind and a free spirit. I make no resolutions, ever (except that this year I will try to stop hogging all the laundry baskets in my bedroom). In saying that, I have opened up that book that I keep the list in. You know... my bucket list. Anyway... I fell short on so many things this year and my list has very few checkmarks. I know I must try harder to live my life for me... to find my true happiness... to love with my whole heart... and to experience all that I can.

Happy New Year from this thirtysomething girl... I believe 2013 is going to be my year.

A Year Goes By...

I wanted to write yesterday but I couldn't find the words. I wanted to sing yesterday but I couldn't hear the music. I wanted to dance yesterday but I couldn't wear the shoes.

So much goes on in a year. People move. Babies are born. Holidays memories are made. Vacations here and there. Through all of this, we grow and we heal from past hurts. Yesterday, I was hurting... even though I had healed a great deal in the past year, I was still hurting.

It's been a year since my grandfather passed away. A whole year. It seems like it was just yesterday that my sister, nephew, and I were driving home from her work conference. It seems like it was just yesterday that my mom went to the neurologist with my grandparents to get the diagnosis of Alzheimer's Disease. But that isn't the diagnosis they got. What started out as a pretty good day, turned extremely sad and scary at the same time. That was November 3.

The doctors kept saying they were sorry. There wasn't much they could do. You'll have him for Thanksgiving, but never by Christmas. That's what they kept saying. And they were right. We celebrated my grandmother's birthday on the 19th, and then Thanksgiving on the 24th. We spent every day with my grandfather... at least for a little while. We listened to him. We sat with him. We watched him sleep.

The day he passed was a Sunday and we were there with him. My sister and I helped our Aunt Pat give him a bath that morning. He just didn't look like himself. Aunt Pat kept saying he wouldn't want to be there like that. So we helped with his bath and then Larea cut his hair and I shaved him. By the time we were finished this morning, he looked like my Poppa again.

I still see his face and hear his breathing. I remember that last breath like it were my own. The release of life is so sweet and yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I knew the moment he passed. I knew the exact moment he was gone. My sister did... and my father did, too. We all felt it inside of us. It was like a weight lifting off of us because we knew he was home.

Not one day goes by that my thoughts do not drift to him. I'm healing though. Slowly... I am healing. Another year will go by before I know it and I will be faced with the same sadness that I am facing now. But it will get better. They say "This too shall pass." I believe that. The pain and the hurt will pass, but the love and the memories will last forever.

Day 22: I Am Thankful For...

November 22: I am thankful for my dad and my mom.

 

(Have you ever seen a more handsome man? Or a woman more beautiful than her? 

I haven't... but my sister comes pretty close)

I see so much of my parents in me. I see little bits of their humor and I see some of their strengths and weaknesses. I see my mother's eyes and my father's hair. I have a little bit of my mom's personality, but I have a lot of my dad's attitude. I walk just like my daddy, especially when I'm in a hurry. I have my momma's habit of biting our nails. There are so many little things that I get from my parents that make me who I am. And I am so thankful for those little things.

Even more than the bits of them that are in me, I am thankful to have them as parents. My mom and dad are such amazing people. I have never known anyone else to have a heart like they do. They give so much... more than they should really. And they love so much... with all their hearts. I don't know how they did it, raising three children in their early twenties. Hell, I sometimes shy away from the idea of raising a kid now and I'm 33.

I could go on forever talking about how special my daddy made me feel at marching band competitions when he'd yell "Go Buzzy!" before our show opened. Or "That's my girl!!" when I'd actually win the trophy. I could ramble on for hours talking about how warm my momma makes my heart feel just by being there for me. How my eyes tear up every time I hear the song "I'll Be" by Reba McIntire or "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift. For some reason, those songs make me feel my momma's love so much more, whatever time of day I listen to them. I could go on and on talking about how they were both there for me in my darkest days... how they held my hand and helped me out of so many holes I had dug myself into. I could talk about how much they mean to me for a lifetime. They truly are the most wonderful people I know... and I love so much that I call them Daddy and Momma.

Day 21: I Am Thankful For...

November 21: I am thankful for my nephew.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't smile, laugh, and feel true happiness. I'm not saying that my life is only happy because of this little dude, but he sure does make the sun shine a little brighter. 

Years ago, before Nolan came along, I wasn't so sure that I was kid-friendly at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure my entire family was thinking I wouldn't have much to do with this kid. If you knew me back then, you'd probably say they were right. I was not good with kids. I don't think any kid really liked me either. LOL. Then comes along this little boy... and he stole my heart completely. 

I'm so thankful for every moment I get to spend with him. I'm even thankful for the fits he throws from time-to-time because that means that I have him in my life. And that makes my life so special. I love him so much, and I'm pretty sure he's fond of me, too. :)

Day 20: I Am Thankful For...

November 20: I am thankful for my sister.

 

I love this picture so much. In this one photograph, you can see the laughter and the friendship we share. Sometimes I take for granted what she means to me. Growing up, we weren't very close. In fact, there were times when I didn't like her much at all. These days, I don't know what I would ever do without her. People say that the bond between sisters is so much more than a friendship and I believe that now. She and I can complete each others' sentences. We have the same thoughts, at the same time. Some people think we are twins. Though we are not, we still have those moments that make no sense... but make perfect sense. I love my sister more than words could ever say. She makes me smile... she makes me laugh... and she makes me proud to be her friend. She's so great! 

I love you, Rea. You're such an amazing woman, mother, and friend.