You know... I don't know...

There is so much going on outside my little bubble I call my life, yet I never seem to get too wrapped up in it. People can say I'm ignorant about the world. People could say I'm not up on current events. I think it's more of a choice I've made to not become involved. It's not that I'm not interested in everything going on in the world... it's just that I've gotten to where I'm not interested. I'm tired of all the talk about every problem out there and nothing to fix them. My life is depressing enough without that. Every week, it seems, we get an email through campus where the governor has ordered the flags to be lowered to half mast because of another military death. I'd rather keep them at half mast until the troops come home. So I ignore the emails we receive and just say a silent prayer for the loss. That's just one example of many... I had no idea about the recent shooting. I still don't know much about it except that it happened and it was horrible. I listened to the news briefly but I never got fully involved. Does this make me a bad person? I wonder...

Then there's my life in general. I don't know what's going on with my life. I try to get through each day with a smile on my face. But sometimes that just doesn't happen. I wear down quickly. I don't know if that's some sort of facade or if that's just who I am. I know I hide the real me from everyone. But lately, I've been wondering who the real me really is. When I got divorced years ago, I thought I knew me. I thought I truly had come to terms with who I am. And though I like me for me... I'm not sure I've ever truly found me. I'm still searching for something more... wanting more... needing more of my life to make sense. I just walk through this world blindly... guarded... and mostly sad. The road I'm traveling on seems to be going nowhere fast. I just hope the road signs are visible. Otherwise, I'm destined to stay on this same road alongside this same guardrail still searching for myself. You know?? ... I don't know...