Secrets

What is really the point in having a secret? Or keeping a secret? Or telling a secret? Or being a secret? What point does it really serve?

It's really not cool to deal in secrets all the time. It seems sneaky and dishonest. You know, kind of like a white lie or dishonesty by omission. I am not okay with any of it. Whatever happened to a little bit of honesty?

I keep going in circles with the same questions about why secrets are necessary. I do keep secrets for people, but I don't really keep secrets of my own. Maybe it is the opposite of giving "too much information" about your life. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know how to answer these questions. This is just one example of how I cannot get my thoughts out of my head.

What's your stance on secrets? On telling secrets or being the secret?

Do You Feel A Draft Coming In?

I log onto this blog all the time. I click on "New Post" and I start writing. But it seems that I have nothing to say. Now that can't be right, can it? I talk all the time... non-stop actually. So what exactly is my problem? Writer's block? Fear of foot-in-mouth syndrome? Or is it that I really cannot find the right words to get it all out?

It seems like I have too much going on in my mind and I cannot process it all into words. I just don't know how I am feeling anymore, or what I should say. It's a bit disturbing I must say. I fight with myself all day trying to find the right way to express how I am feeling. I know that I need to figure it out so I can get it out before I explode. The days being gray and cold do not help any either. I keep busy at work and then when I get home I am so exhausted mentally and physically. I just need a break.

Yes. I am well aware of the many trips I've taken out of town this year. Yes. I am aware that you cannot escape your problems forever. And yes... I am aware that a stiff drink would probably help my mind ease enough to say the things I need to say... given that I find the words.

I need to shut the window and stop letting the drafts in. I need to make the drafts actual posts instead of ideas in my head. I feel like it will be soon when I let it all go.

Sickness... Health...

As the clock kept turning in September, my dad got pretty sick. In fact, we're still watching him to make sure everything is okay.

Mom called me one afternoon and asked me to go check on my father. When I got to him, he looked kind of rough. He was sitting in his truck under a shade tree. His face red and he was real weak. I insisted on taking him to the emergency room. He just wanted to go home.

He was released that night without any answers as to why he was feeling so bad. A few days later, he returned to the emergency room worried about his heart. They had checked his heart on the first visit and came up with nothing. But that doesn't really make you feel better when you're having chest pain. So back he went. This time they admitted him. They ran every test on his heart that they could and nothing came up. That's good. We've ruled out his heart.

But there still weren't many answers. Pneumonia is the last diagnosis given. So we're hoping this is all that is going on and life is getting back to normal.

And the Bagpipes Played...

My fire service family lost another brother while I took some time away from the blogging world. Director of State Fire Rescue Training for the Kentucky Fire Commission passed away after a two week battle of the unknown.

Bryant Stiles was laid to rest in his hometown of Calhoun, KY after spending nearly two weeks in ICU for an unknown infection. There were so many brothers and sisters from the fire service that came to pay their respects to a good man. It was emotional. It was so sad. It was a little shocking. I know I was still in shock about it all once it was all over.

I still don't know what really happened to him and I'm not sure I ever will. But right now, we are all just trying to get through it together. 

Happy Birthday

It seems unreal that 5 years ago, he came into my life. It just doesn't seem like he should be five already. Where did that time go?! I look at my nephew and think, "Oh my goodness! He has grown ten feet!" It's just so crazy how quickly time passes.

I mean, look at him! He's a mess! But he's precious. I love every minute that I get to spend with my little buddy, and his birthday was no different.  He and his friends had a really good time at his rock n roll party. They spray painted hair, did the limbo, and jumped in the massive MP3 player. They played musical instruments on stage, did some coloring projects, and ate lots of cake. 

It was a rockin' good time and I think everyone enjoyed it. It sure was different from all the baseball parties we've had the past few years. But I think it was perfect for my little sweetheart.

It's Been Awhile

It has been far too long since I last wrote an entry and I'm not exactly sure why. Life has happened. Life has continued to pass me by. There have been birthdays and vacations and hospitalizations that have occurred since I last sat down and put my thoughts into words. It seems like I let so much time go by before I deal with everything that has happened. And I think I'll deal with those things now.