Boys are gross. When I found out my sister was having a boy, I'll be the first to admit I was a little bit disappointed. I mean... a boy?! Really?? I just kept thinking "I have no idea what to do with a boy." What do you play with them? How do you dress them? With girls, it's so easy. There are pretty dresses, ruffles, ribbons, and bows. But boys are so blah. They have BOY clothes. And BOY toys. No baby dolls, no Barbie dolls, no Easy Bake Ovens. Hmmm... I was totally at a loss when it came to finding something to do with a boy.
But then he was here.
He showed up on this earth a very fragile little boy at 5 pounds, 13 ounces. He was four weeks pre-mature and it scared us all. He had a lot of trouble in the beginning, but he completely captured our hearts. My heart especially. Okay... let me just be honest here. I have never been "kid-friendly". My sister would tell everyone that I didn't like kids (completely untrue... I think) and that I never wanted kids (again, untrue). To me, I wasn't sure I knew how to handle a kid. I never thought I would be good with kids and I always doubted my ability to nurture. And Lord knows I have never had much patience. So when I found that I was completely wrapped around these premie fingers, I had no idea what I was dealing with. It happened so fast! I mean... in a second that kid owned me! I had a picture of the exact moment I knew this kid had my heart, but somehow I lost it. The photograph was of his little baby hand wrapped around one of my fingers. I would look at that picture and just hope that he would be okay. He meant the world to me.
Over three years later, he still means the world to me. I find that I have had a lot more patience than I ever thought I would. And I worry that I will never love my own children as much as I love him. My mom says I will... and that everything will be fine. She says that it will be a completely different kind of love with my own. But I don't know how that's all possible. I have no idea how I can ever love anyone else as much as I love him.
And I'm not exactly sure what has brought all of this on tonight, except maybe because he is having surgery on Monday. I don't know. I think about him and how much he means to me every single day. His fit throwing, screaming, not listening... it's a normal day for us. And even though it drives us all insane, I wouldn't trade it for a day without him EVER! And yes, I've learned that boys can be a lot of fun. And I've learned that little boys can have cool clothes, too. And I've learned what it's like for someone to make a difference in someone else's life. Because he has had made a difference in mine.
This message is for him...
Nolan, Aunt Buzzy loves you more than life itself. And I will always be you're #2 fan (right behind mommy). Remember that I will always let you have play-doh and lego's. And if you want to put on a tutu and pretend to be Olivia, or pretend to shave your whiskers, or even pretend to put on make-make... I'm okay with that. Because you are wonderful! And I will always be wrapped around your spoiled rotten little fingers! :)
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